Through working with dozens of newly married and engaged couples, my husband and I have noticed a new trend. It is well known that many young women choose to delay or forgo having children altogether — but often, this decision is driven not by a fear of lost autonomy but by a fear of pregnancy and birth, known as tokophobia.
Social media has made the idea of tokophobia popular through curated streams of short-form videos describing pregnancy and labor fears and complications. These clips show relatable women with real struggles, but they lack crucial context, often leading viewers to feel fear over their own situations without basis.
Alongside social media, a global pandemic and economic change have fostered anxiety and even panic in many women who fear losing control of their bodies and the potential dangers of childbirth. But while my own births have varied drastically in complications and recoveries, the reward of a new life has outweighed the pain and hardship. Not only that, but there is much statistical proof that children bring more happiness, stability, and purpose into women’s lives.
Sometimes, there are good medical reasons for why someone may choose not to bear children, following prayer and submission to the Lord’s will, but in general, healthy young women choosing to forgo children because of fear have little scriptural backing for their decision. Throughout Scripture, God does not call us to avoid potentially dangerous situations because of fear. Rather, he calls us to step into them with him (Isaiah 41:10; Philippians 4:6–7).
Pregnancy: Sanctified Through Struggle
Some women love pregnancy: They feel healthy, confident, and sentimental. Some women fight severe symptoms and feel miserable all nine months. The majority fall somewhere in between, experiencing nausea, fatigue, back pain, varicose veins, swelling, and poor sleep. This doesn’t sound like an encouraging argument for pregnancy. It’s hard. It’s painful. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Pregnancy is one of the most sanctifying experiences I’ve ever had. In the midst of pregnancy, I have fought to push away anxiety, recognized the idol I’ve made of my appearance, desperately clung to God to give me patience with my kids when I’ve felt exhausted, and confronted my sin when I’ve been unkind to my husband. I want to blame pregnancy, but the Bible reminds me that my heart is the source of my sin, not my circumstances.
Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14–15)
The world tells pregnant women, “You deserve whatever you want because you’re growing a life,” or “It’s not your fault. It’s the hormones.” We give in to overindulgence because we have a craving and feel justified in unhealthy habits. We give in to impatience because we are in pain and feel righteous in our responses.
Yes, pregnancy is difficult. But if we want to grow and be more like Christ, this is an opportunity to ask for strength, wisdom, and all the fruits of the Holy Spirit. To refuse our fleshly inclinations, we actively practice our faith, seeking to honor Jesus with our hearts and follow him. We fight every step of the way to lay down our lives for a small image-bearer of God designed to uniquely reflect him and bring him glory.
Childbirth: Stepping into Sacrifice
At the end of the day, I can’t tell you that your pregnancy or birth will be flawless. I can’t tell you that I’m going to make it through my upcoming fifth birth or that my child will be healthy. But I can tell you there is great joy and hope in the faith that motherhood forces upon us.
Because we know God’s character, we can trust him without fear of what is to come (Proverbs 3:5) and believe that he holds all life in the palm of his hand (Job 12:10). We can trust that whatever happens in our story or our children’s story, he works all things for our good and his glory (Romans 8:28). Children are a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:3–5), and raising, forming, and teaching our children will shape the next generation likely far more than anything else we can do.
Carrying a baby through pregnancy to childbirth offers us a chance to reflect Christ to a broken world. Jesus selflessly gave his life in service — even to death — to rescue those who believe in him (Galatians 1:4). So also, childbirth is an opportunity to step willingly into sacrifice, laying down our lives to bring a new life into the world.
The Beauty Fear Tries to Hide
The husband of a dear friend recently sent this:
I thought I might be too queasy to watch [childbirth], but I couldn’t look away — and it’s easily the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever witnessed. She looked like a tiny cosmic creature: impossibly new, impossibly ours.
Not all men are as poetic, but his words encapsulate the truth of childbirth. While the unexpected can happen, the birth of new life is unquestionably beautiful. But more than that, the child is a blessing, a triumph — breathing life in defiance of Satan’s desires for death (Psalm 139:13–14).
A child renews: This new life brings a new opportunity for us as parents to be humbled, shaped, and made more like Christ. When we decide not to enter into parenthood because of fear, we deny ourselves a part in the beauty of a new creation. Each tiny miracle is formed by God’s hands but nurtured and brought into the world from a woman’s womb.
Choosing Faith over Fear
Women, there is so much we could fear. The world wants safety, clarity, certainty, and ease. But God doesn’t call us to any of those things (2 Timothy 1:7). While pregnancy and childbirth pose risks and sacrifices, they also bring joy and sanctification. We can look to God as the protector, provider, and pursuer of our bodies and souls no matter what happens. When all is well, we can rejoice in his grace for us. If all goes poorly, we can remember his promises to us. He loves us, he cares for us, and he has everything in his control, down to morning sickness, back pain, or an emergency C-section (Proverbs 19:21).
We can look to Christ for guidance, or we can look to what the world says is best for us. If the Instagram algorithm of pregnancy-and-birth horror stories tempts you to fear, stop watching. I’ve been there. In those moments, my emotions take over, and I forget who God is and that he is in control. You and I can choose to “trust in the Lord with all [our] heart” and “not lean on [our] own understanding.” When we acknowledge him in all our ways, he promises to direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5–6).
So go forward — if the Lord enables you to bear children — with a joyful anticipation, a holy faith, and a countercultural calm in the midst of the unknown because you know the one who holds the world in his hand (Hebrews 1:3).
Desiring God