Earlier this month, The Atlantic published a cover article by Derek Thompson called “The Anti-Social Century.” His thesis: Americans are spending more time alone than they ever have, but our reported levels of loneliness are decreasing. He writes,
A popular trend on TikTok involves 20‑somethings celebrating in creative ways when a friend cancels plans, often because they’re too tired or anxious to leave the house. . . . If anybody should feel lonely and desperate for physical-world contact, you’d think it would be 20-somethings, who are still recovering from years of pandemic cabin fever. But many nights, it seems, members of America’s most isolated generation aren’t trying to leave the house at all. They’re turning on their cameras to advertise to the world the joy of not hanging out.
Between 2003 and 2023, in-person socializing among those aged 15 to 24 dropped by more than 35 percent, Thompson reported. Younger millennials and Gen Z are less likely than previous generations were to go out without their parents, go on dates, get their driver’s licenses, try alcohol, and work for pay.
“Day to day, hour to hour, we are choosing this way of life—its comforts, its ready entertainments,” he wrote. “But convenience can be a curse. Our habits are creating what [economist Enghin Atalay] has called a ‘century of solitude.’”
As Christians, we know that quiet and solitude are good things (Ps. 131:2). But we also know that God created us to be together (Gen. 2:18). All manner of living things—from herds of elephants to flocks of birds to networks of tree roots—reflect the Trinity’s joy in community. Human beings are meant to do that too.
All manner of living things reflect the Trinity’s joy in community. Human beings are meant to do that too.
As I’ve talked with youth leaders and campus pastors, some tell me that Gen Z struggles so much with social interactions that older generations almost need to reverse engineer their friendships, figure out what makes them work, and teach that to young people.
So I asked those leaders for their best tips for young people trying to build their own friendships. I asked specifically about making friends in college, because that’s a time when young people are handling their own schedules and living with thousands of potential friends. But this advice could be adjusted to apply to all of us.
Start with Your Faith
1. “Pray and ask the Lord to provide you with good, godly, fun friends.” – Shelby Abbott, campus minister with Cru
2. “If you’re at a Christian college, attend chapel. It connects you to the pulse of campus—to the campus conversation of the week.” – Robert Taylor, vice president for student success at Dordt University
3. “On any campus, join a small group Bible study. All are welcome, and when you join a small group, you are instantly accepted and have a group of peers who want to get to know you.” – Robert Taylor
Consider the Way God Made You
1. “What do you already enjoy doing? Now go do those things with others—intramurals, workout classes, fashion, or music. You will (at the bare minimum) already have at least one thing in common with them. ‘You like that too? I thought I was the only one.’ That’s how friendships start.” – Joanna Gramer, Salt Company associate director serving students at Syracuse University
2. “Join a club or group. Find one that matches your interests. For example, if you’re studying engineering, join an engineering club. If you’re a nurse, join the nursing club. Look for groups where you can meet people with similar interests.” – Tony Dentman, Campus Outreach expansion director at the University of Illinois Chicago
3. “I would also suggest joining a club on campus that doesn’t necessarily align with a career path—things like intramural sports or a sewing club—something hobby-based that doesn’t tap into anxiety around your future.” – Morgan Kendrick, Reformed University Fellowship campus staff at Vanderbilt University
Expand Your Range
1. “At Dordt, we have a campus-wide email called The Weekly, which is sent to all students once per week. The email is a list of the campus activities for the week—it’s a one-stop shop for all that is happening on campus. If you are bored—consult The Weekly (or whatever the equivalent is at your campus). Then go to the campus events.” – Robert Taylor
2. “Say yes to things—even if you don’t know anyone going, even if it doesn’t sound super fun. If your RA invites you to a game night, if your school is putting on a weekend trip for honors students, if your dorm is hosting a karaoke night, if there’s a volunteering opportunity at the local elementary school—show up and see if a friend is there. You may not meet one at every function you go to, but eventually that small investment of saying yes and showing up will pay off. You might even meet your best friend there!” – Joanna Gramer
3. “Use the people you already know to connect you with people you don’t know—do your friends from high school have siblings or cousins that are at the college you’re going to? Do your classmates or teammates know anyone in the city you’re moving to?” – Morgan Kendrick
4. “Get out of your dorm room and meet people. Go to places like the library, gym, cafeteria, or group study spaces. Being around others makes it easier to make friends.” – Tony Dentman
Be Friendly
1. “Be a friend to others. Don’t wait for people to come to you. Go out of your way to help and connect with others. When you care about others, you’ll make friends naturally.” – Tony Dentman
2. “Don’t let the fear of rejection keep you from asking the question. People are far lonelier than they give off, and they want friends just as much as you do. Is there someone in your life you feel drawn to? Want to get to know? Maybe someone in your class, at the dining hall, or whom you’ve seen walking around campus? Be bold and ask them, ‘Would you wanna hang out sometime?’ You could even just send them a DM! One small act of courage can lead to great friendships.” – Joanna Gramer
3. “Take a posture of curiosity in other people’s lives. Ask good questions and listen well.” – Shelby Abbott
4. “Walk around campus with your head up, screens in your pocket, and no earbuds. This alone will make you more approachable and seem more friendly. It’s a bonus to offer smiles and greetings to everyone.” – Robert Taylor
“Realize that building friendships is hard and takes time,” Kendrick said. She’s right—according to one study, it may take 50 hours of hanging out to move from acquaintance to friend, and 90 hours to move from friend to good friend. You’ll need 200 hours with someone to make him or her a best friend.
That’s time well spent—studies show having friends reduces your risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and depression. Even better, it raises happiness levels, aligns with the way God designed you, and is a way to witness to God’s goodness in this anti-social century.
The Gospel Coalition