My friends John and Leona have three anniversaries. They were married in a civil ceremony on one date. Six months later, they were married in a church. Nine years later, Leona divorced John. Then, after a year apart, the Lord saved them both and they remarried each other. Thus, John must buy Leona flowers at least three times a year.
Usually when we think of remarriage after divorce, we consider the right of someone who has been set free from the marriage covenant on biblical grounds of sexual unfaithfulness (Matt. 19:9) or abandonment (1 Cor. 7:15) to marry a new spouse. (I’ve written extensively about these issues in my book Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage: Critical Questions and Answers.)
Scripture also addresses the possibility of divorced people getting back together. The apostle Paul explicitly encourages this possibility: “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Cor 7:10–11).
The possibility of reconciliation is also implied in Matthew 19:9, where Jesus teaches that marrying another person after an unbiblical divorce is adulterous. Thus, the right option in many cases would be for them to remarry each other.
So what should you do as a pastor or counselor when a church member asks if she can remarry her former spouse?
Grounds for Remarriage
Before working through the practical considerations, let’s address several questions concerning permissibility.
First, has the former spouse since married someone else? Deb sought counsel on whether she could divorce her new husband and go back to her first husband. She was miserable in her new marriage and realized she’d been wrong to abandon the first man.
I showed her, however, that Scripture makes it clear that she isn’t free to return to her first husband even if her new husband divorced her or died (Deut. 24:1–4). Deb’s calling is to make every effort to make her new marriage work. The Bible offers hope that God can still bless a marriage that had a sinful beginning (2 Sam. 12:24–25).
Second, are both of them walking in the Spirit and bearing his fruit (Gal. 5:16)? What has changed in their faith since their divorce? If one former spouse isn’t walking closely with the Lord, I’d encourage them to wait (Deut. 7:3; 1 Cor. 7:39).
Beyond these questions of biblical permissibility, a pastor must help the couple weigh other matters honestly before proceeding. Have they been involved in other romantic or sexual relationships? Has significant debt been incurred? Has there been addiction to or misuse of drugs or pornography? It’s not always clear whether such matters are disqualifying or matters of wisdom and disclosure, but the person he or she wants to remarry has a right to know and to decide whether to move forward.
Considerations for Remarriage
If remarriage is permissible and both parties wish to proceed, a pastor should guide them through the following considerations.
1. Clarify their marital status before God.
Jesus acknowledges that even a sinful divorce is still a real divorce (Matt. 19:8–9). In this new context, the marriage covenant has been broken and is no longer in force. It may be good for a remarriage to take place, but it’s proper to acknowledge that they aren’t actually married until they establish a new marriage covenant. This means they’re not free to participate in the privileges of their former marriage prior to their remarriage.
2. Require premarital counseling.
As a condition of my involvement in a remarriage ceremony, I’d insist on meeting with the couple several times, both to cover the basics of marriage and to ensure the difficulties that led to their divorce have been addressed. I might have them go through Rob Green’s Tying the Knot or Tim and Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.
3. Help them examine their motives.
While there are several bad reasons to pursue remarriage (e.g., financial expediency, unrealistic expectations of a “happily ever after”), there are also good ones. Do they want to please God (2 Cor. 5:9) by taking advantage of an opportunity to restore the covenant they broke (Matt. 19:6)? Do they desire to reflect Christ’s love in their marriage? Will their remarriage honor Christ by displaying the permanence of the marriage covenant? Would their reconciliation testify to God’s healing gospel grace before family and friends?
4. Insist on full disclosure.
Has there been full disclosure of any possible deal-breakers? Divorced people usually don’t share details of their separate lives with one another. But if there is consideration about getting back together, events may have occurred that the other party has a right to know before committing to remarriage. Trust could be devastated if such matters come to light after getting back together.
5. Lead them through biblical reconciliation.
Have past sins and conflicts been resolved biblically? Choosing divorce was a huge decision for which they once thought there were compelling reasons. It may be tempting to sweep the past under the proverbial rug and hope that love will conquer all. But the past must be dealt with biblically.
Weeds that aren’t pulled now will likely grow and take over the marriage garden again. Past sins against each other should be confessed (Matt. 7:1–5), confronted (Gal. 6:1), and forgiven (Matt. 18:21–35; Prov. 19:11). For more on biblical conflict resolution, see Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker or the audio series Biblical Peacemaking at the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship.
Making a new marriage covenant means they agree that past sins (including unfaithfulness) that have been forgiven cannot be used as grounds for a future divorce.
6. Address the patterns that led to divorce.
Did their sinful anger give the Devil a foothold in their family (Eph. 4:26–27)? Did they have frequent conflicts over sex and money? Did they disagree over how to discipline their children? Was trust broken through lies and deceit? If so, how would they plan to break these habits? Are they both prepared to seek help from godly counselors in the church if either of them believes that’s needed?
7. Help them build new habits, not just remove old ones.
What new patterns will they establish in their new marriage? It’s not enough to pull the weeds in their marriage garden. Rather, their job must be to plant and grow flowers—to read God’s Word and pray together daily, to strive for deeper and more edifying communication (Eph. 4:29), to have fun together as they learn to find joy in bringing happiness to each other (Eccl. 9:9), and to plan their time together or the weeds may grow back through neglect (Prov. 21:5; 24:30–34).
8. Call them to a renewed commitment to covenant faithfulness.
Are they prepared to keep their vows even if (or when) marriage becomes difficult again? The traditional vows reflect the challenging realities of two sinners committing to keep the marriage covenant in a fallen world—for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until God by death shall separate them. They should commit that they’ll never be the one who causes the separation of what God has (re)joined (Matt. 19:6).
All Things New
On May 1, 2026, it was exactly 50 years since John and Leona remarried. The Lord has continued to preserve and strengthen them together. They serve faithfully in their church. John and Leona have read Christian books together for years and now listen to sermons almost every evening from various Reformed pastors and theologians. They’re both happy with what God has done for them.
Their story isn’t a formula or a guarantee. Yet when repentance is real, we’re able to witness remarkable moments of grace in the lives of God’s people. As pastors, we have the privilege of helping couples discern and pursue this mending of what was once broken. And we rejoice at the God who, unsurprisingly, is still in the business of making all things new.
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