So, young man, you’re sick of the passivity that plagues our time. You’re tired of being a spiritual nothing in your household, parroting the same stale prayers before meals, unable to speak intelligibly of your faith or lead your family toward heaven. You’re done being an un-man: un-serious, un-helpful, un-faithful.
You are now awake to your purpose as head of the family. You groan over lost opportunities and resolve, “No more.” You determine to begin at once — hallelujah. But is it wise to begin everything all at once?
Long family devotions with little kids, where none existed before. Zero tolerance for theological error, when you yourself are still learning the faith. Severe standards of maturity in the home to make up for wasted years. Your spirit becomes exacting, exhorting, correcting — for their good! You feel pressure to catch up to where you should be by now. You turn up the heat; the undercooked becomes overcooked through good intentions, through zeal exercised without discernment. The bull charges forth, dragging his family behind him.
Brothers, we have a word from God teaching us how to lead onward without destroying those we love. A very brief word from Jacob in Genesis 33 helps us hedge against the dangers of overzealous leadership. I hesitate to go there, because for every one man who leads too hastily, nine others lead too slowly or not at all. To most men, I say, “Get up and get going! Pick up the pace! Heaven lies before us; flee from the wrath to come!” But to a few (including myself at different seasons), I implore, “Brother, lead on softly.”
Family Reunion
Jacob did Esau dirty. He knows it; Esau knows it.
At the behest of their mother, Rebekah, Jacob conned his blind father into giving him the blessing instead of Esau. He pretended to be Esau — his mom cooking Esau’s special dish. They even went so far as to glue hair on smooth Jacob to be furry like his brother.
The scheme worked. Jacob received Esau’s blessing, fulfilling the Lord’s declaration to their mother, but through questionable means. When Esau showed up for his blessing and discovered what had happened, he skipped ahead in the stages of grief. Rebekah informed Jacob, “Behold, your brother Esau comforts himself about you by planning to kill you” (Genesis 27:42). Jacob ran away.
Decades later, God tells Jacob to return home. He and his people have grown prosperous — as have Esau and his people. Two nations have formed, yet Jacob still fears to face his past. However, when this elder brother rides out to meet the younger, Esau receives Jacob home. They share a moment of reconciliation; then Esau invites Jacob and his family to follow him back to their territory in Seir.
Here we pick up the story and find our lesson. As Esau invites Jacob to accompany him and his warriors back, Jacob halts the jubilee to tell Esau that he can’t join him just now. Listen to Jacob’s pastoral words:
My lord knows that the children are frail, and that the nursing flocks and herds are a care to me. If they are driven hard for one day, all the flocks will die. Let my lord pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, at the pace of the livestock that are ahead of me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir. (Genesis 33:13–14)
In this polite refusal, we find wisdom to lead our loved ones well in this life. We must know whom we are leading to get our people home.
Know Your Flock
Jacob enjoys fresh acceptance from Esau and blessing from God, but notice what he doesn’t do. He doesn’t ride off at full speed with Esau and his men. Rather, he looks back and around him and — whether or not he is making an excuse not to go with Esau — utters words of a true shepherd:
My lord knows that the children are frail, and that the nursing flocks and herds are a care to me. If they are driven hard for one day, all the flocks will die.
In other words, he considers whom he is leading. He knows his flock. They are a care to him. Full speed for him is not the best speed for them. He could ride off with his brother, if that was his goal, but what of his flock? What of the children? They are frail and the flocks nursing. He knows that if he drives them too hard — if he overdrives them, as the KJV puts it — all the flocks will die.
Too much of a good thing, too quickly, does exist. Requiring your four-year-old boy to memorize the whole Westminster Catechism might be premature. Maybe your church needs some teaching on eldership before you seek to change immediately. Perhaps your wife, discipled as she was in feminism, needs some patience and time to jettison the lies she has been brought up to believe. What is good in a future season for someone else may not be good in this season for your family. You may desire to ride on with Esau, but love and wisdom might have you walk slowly with your flock.
Brothers, you may even have to say no to some wonderful opportunity to gallop ahead. You may need to postpone going overseas or joining a beautiful church plant because the pace would drive your young family too hard. None of us has a generic flock, nor do we have an unchanging flock. We must know them season by season and consider what pace is best.
Prayer and fasting and wisdom are needed to discern when to increase the pace and not to. I do not mean to discourage you from following after great and hard things. But as shepherds, we must have the category of overdriving our flocks. We need to know not only where we are leading but whom we are leading and the speed they can travel.
Lead Them Home
Brothers, lead at a pace they can follow. In some seasons, you will need to say, “Let my lord pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, at the pace of the livestock that are ahead of me and at the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.”
Jacob knows whom he leads. He is among them, knows their strengths and their frailties, knows what they can and cannot endure. And in that season of his life, a hard day of driving them at Esau’s pace could be fatal. Thus, he resolves to go slowly. Or, as the KJV beautifully has it, “I will lead on softly.” Lead on softly — does this ever describe your leadership?
Our aim is to get these people to that place where God dwells. We want a pace fast enough to get us there, but a pace that the younger members can endure. We determine shepherding speed not by how fast we can run, or how fast they can run for a short time, or even how fast they will run eventually, but by how fast they can safely travel now, for a sustained time, adjusting as we go.
A good shepherd wants to mature them, strengthen them, speed them up in due time, but he also wants them to survive. Aren’t you glad our Shepherd is like that? He pushes us and tests us, but we also know this very well: “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11).
Thus, we also say, “I will lead on softly.” We do not crush with ideals or keep up at another family’s speed or forget that we are strengthened by grace. We consider where we are going, whom we are leading, and how best to get them to that better country.
Desiring God