The parliamentary procedures known as Robert’s Rules of Order were published in 1876 because Christians had gotten unruly arguing about how to spread the gospel. It sounds like a punchline, but it’s true. Christians have been commanded to love each other to show the gospel’s power to transform sinners (1 John 4:7–12). And yet we often fail to love each other well, so we need rules to help us get along.
Rules prevent conflict by setting boundaries, but they can’t make people love one another. That’s why Vermon Pierre, lead pastor for preaching at Roosevelt Community Church, wrote Dearly Beloved: How God’s Love for His Church Deepens Our Love for Each Other. He wants to help Christians bear witness to the gospel by growing in mutual affection. This is a particularly important goal given the polarization fracturing society along so many planes.
The book’s premise is simple. Pierre argues that “we can form communities of diverse people who overcome our historic and current tendences to form separate, polarized identity groups . . . as long as we can love one another” (15). Thus, he calls us to reflect on Christ’s marital love for the church, his Bride, arguing our responsibility to love each other should reflect that type of affection.
Loving Through Closeness
The bulk of Dearly Beloved is an extended application of love within the church. There’s good pastoral advice here, even for those who don’t fully buy into Pierre’s analogy between marital affection and love between Christians.
For example, every Christian needs to take the initiative to love others. We don’t always do this instinctively. As Pierre argues, “We tend to approach relationships and community expecting that others will be the initiators” (52). Yet Jesus’s “golden rule” requires us to initiate doing the good for others we wish they’d do for us (Matt. 7:12). Real love actively pursues others’ good.
But we need to know people well to identify what’s good for them. And the best way to know people well is to be regularly present with them. Pierre’s metaphor for relationships between Christians is strongest here, because every healthy marriage involves consistent companionship. Being together begins with events, like church services, but extends into everyday life. For the church, Pierre argues, “Shared worship together is like the accelerant that leads to a web of life together” (107).
The healthiest congregations I’ve seen worship together on Sundays and they hang out with each other outside of services. Sometimes the deepest discussions on Sunday happen after the closing prayer. Sometimes we find out about someone’s struggle with anxiety over coffee on a Tuesday morning. Spiritual conversations occur more naturally during a round of golf than in a circle on Sunday morning. Yet these sorts of informal interactions can’t be conjured on command. They occur spontaneously between people who have a long-term commitment to each other. Trust is built over time in both marriage and the church.
Unity Requires Commitment
Marriage requires unity, but dating merely needs temporary toleration. It seems more common in our consumeristic age to treat the church as if we’re dating it. As if the church periodically gets together with people we like to do something we enjoy and then go our separate ways with little commitment. However, Pierre reminds us, “Unity is more than shared affinities or shared hobbies or a common stage of life” (35). This is why church membership matters, because it’s “one of the practical ways we can publicly acknowledge, affirm, and reinforce our commitment to one another in the Lord” (124).
Trust is built over time in both marriage and the church.
We need deep commitment if we’re going to resolve conflict rather than merely avoid it. Too often, we confuse lack of conflict with unity, but real unity is only visible in the face of conflict. Yet conflict is uncomfortable; most of us try to avoid it. The easiest way to avoid conflict is to keep each other at arm’s length. But this is a poor substitute for deep and abiding love.
It’s the gospel that heals the fractures caused by conflict. Jesus knew Christians wouldn’t always get along when he said people will know we’re his disciples by our love for each other (John 13:35). But real unity comes when God’s grace draws us back together, which requires a commitment to remain together to heal.
Grace Through Communication
I’m more accustomed to using fraternal metaphors for the relationship between Christians. However, the church is Christ’s Bride, so he loves us like a spouse (Eph. 5:25). Furthermore, Jesus tells his disciples to love each other just as he has loved them (John 13:34). Therefore, Pierre argues Christians are to “love one another from and out of God’s beloved love” (31). It’s logical, though I hadn’t looked at it this way before.
The easiest way to avoid conflict is to keep each other at arm’s length. But this is a poor substitute for deep and abiding love.
The marriage metaphor has explanatory power. It explains why conflict within the church can feel so extreme. We let down our guard in marriage because we have a tight, permanent connection. Major fights often start over minor issues. I once knew a couple that had a serious dispute over their choice of cheese. It was petty. It was personal. Both parties felt wounded. But they knew they couldn’t leave the marriage over a choice between American and cheddar. And yet church splits often start over minor disagreements. Even worse, sometimes people disappear without communicating why they left. Marriage doesn’t work that way.
Marriage requires a commitment to communicate. Similarly, Pierre writes, “Grace in the church means we keep the channels of communication open” (149). If we treat our church membership more like a marriage, it’ll force us to discuss disagreements rather than hopping to the church down the street. We’ll have to discuss our frustrations with other church members as we seek to grow in love for them. As Paul reminded the Corinthian Christians, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7). Christians should pursue unity despite disagreement whenever possible. Rules can help us do that, but love is a more effective glue than any written procedure.
Dearly Beloved is encouraging and accessible. It’d be a good book for a small group or Sunday school class to read together. In a culture where moving on is easier than working through difficulties, Pierre offers a compelling vision of making the gospel visible by building committed relationships between Christians.
The Gospel Coalition