When an invitation came to go to the Middle East and establish student ministries on Muslim campuses, Leeann and I prayed. We researched, gathered a team, and readied a plan. But the greatest obstacle I faced—the one I least expected—wasn’t the perceived danger of the place or the high likelihood of failure. It was my father’s response.
When we told him of our decision to go, he refused to meet my eyes. Instead, he looked out the window and quietly mumbled, “I’m never coming to see you.”
It floored me. It didn’t make sense. Mom and Dad were world travelers and risk-takers. It seemed out of sync with the support they’d given me over the years in ministry. Not only had my dad supported our many short-term trips, but he’d even followed us to Kenya to work in a missions hospital—something he did year after year for 15 years.
Perhaps, I thought, he questions our discernment. There were obvious reasons not to go. The daunting issues we faced were far greater than the oppressive climate or opposing religion. Leeann and I were 45 years old. Our middle son struggled with autism, our oldest son just started his teen years, and our youngest son flat out didn’t want to go. We were leaving our careers. Few missions agencies would’ve taken us.
But after several confusing conversations with Dad, my wise mother pulled me aside and said, “No, Mack, you don’t understand. Your father can’t bear the thought of being so far from the grandchildren. He’s just pouting. And he doesn’t know how to talk about it.”
What a blinding realization. It didn’t have anything to do with me or the Middle East. It had to do with the deep love and connection between a grandparent and grandchildren. It was about him losing them.
Personal Experience
Not long after we moved, Mom and Dad came to see us. Dad hadn’t meant what he said. They visited many times—often for months—over the two decades we spent in the Arab world.
In that time, Dad became one of our biggest champions. He saw that—as with many things in missions—what seems hard is, in God’s providence, a rich reward. And I believe his connection with his grandchildren was stronger than it would’ve been if we’d stayed.
Since then, I’ve become a grandfather myself. My, oh my, what a comeuppance. Today, I have six “grands” and one on the way. It’s a whole new world. I didn’t see it coming and was utterly unprepared for the profound connection I feel with each one, or for how painful it’d be to have our first three grandchildren born when we were halfway around the world.
Through it all, I’ve learned lessons about missionaries and the parents of missionaries, and I have advice about what might help the painful separation between grandparents and grandchildren because of missionary service.
Lessons for Missionaries with Children
1. Acknowledge your parents’ sacrifice.
The decision to serve overseas starts and ends with you, the parents. In most cases, neither your children nor their grandparents make the final call. It’s helpful to acknowledge this is a significant sacrifice for your parents—and one they didn’t choose.
Rather than trying to convince grandparents that missions is worth it or that their grandkids aren’t in as much danger as they think, missionaries should acknowledge it’s a real sacrifice for them and then ask for their support. They should affirm and praise grandparents for their crucial role in God’s work among the nations.
Missionaries should acknowledge it’s a real sacrifice for grandparents and then ask for their support.
2. Understand that missions can be good for grandparents and grandkids.
Sometimes we had worries about hurting our children by taking them to live in a different culture, something they didn’t choose. But a mature friend of Leeann’s counseled her that God’s calling to go was our family’s calling too. When Jesus said, “I will be with you always,” he didn’t forget your kids.
The same goes for grandparents. God hasn’t forgotten them. Your call to the mission field allows grandparents to grow in Christ—or to come to Christ if they don’t know the Lord. It’s an opportunity for Christian grandparents to participate in the sacrifice of missions and to share, as Paul says, as “fellow workers” in the ministry (Rom. 16:3, 9, 21). Your most significant witness to your parents and your children is your obedience to Jesus. I watched that happen as each of our children came to faith in a country other than America.
3. Prioritize opportunities with grandparents.
When you return for home leave, it’s easy to overlook grandparents. But in the busyness of travel, of meeting with supporters and churches, missionaries should prioritize time with grandparents. This is a practical way to honor your parents (Ex. 20:12) and love them (and your children) well.
Staying with our parents while on home leave allowed for greater connections between grandparents and grandkids than if we’d lived nearby. Our hearts grew fonder with distance. Many may live closer geographically, but proximity doesn’t equal a loving connection. The time we spent with grandparents on home leave was a rich and full experience that increased our love for one another.
Lessons for Grandparents of Missionary Kids
1. Support your children.
Parents of missionaries are tempted to oppose their children’s missionary service. Avoid that temptation. For one, you might oppose what God has in store for your children and grandchildren. And our opposition will rarely stop a committed believer from missionary service. Relational pressure from grandparents—even out of a natural desire to be near grandkids—only adds to the woe, pain, and potential bitterness of a difficult life decision.
Instead, take the long view and affirm your children’s work for the gospel. Be supportive and help them go. I promise your care for them in this way will never be forgotten. And they’ll brag about how great you are to the grandchildren. As Proverbs 17:6 says, “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.”
2. Take a learner’s posture.
Grandparents don’t have a lot of help from the church about grandparenting in general. I often think about how ill-prepared I was for being a grandparent. Bookstore shelves groan with the weight of resources that help new parents; the section for grandparenting is nonexistent.
Relational pressure from grandparents only adds to the woe, pain, and potential bitterness of an extremely difficult life decision.
That was highlighted for me recently when I heard Tim Challies speak on how older saints can care for younger people in the church. He included wisdom on being a grandparent. It was wonderful. The sad thing is that it was the first time I’d heard grandparents directly addressed in a Christian talk or sermon—and I’ve been attending Christian events for half a century. How much more so for grandparents of missionaries. So let me humbly encourage you to become a learner, both about being Christian grandparents and about global missions.
Ask questions about what it takes to live in foreign lands. Learn about missionary service before you assume what it’s like in the place your children are going. Seek out other missionary grandparents and see what they’ve learned. A missionary friend once told me her greatest encouragement on the field was that her father regularly asked questions that delved deep into her ministry with local people.
3. Maximize time with your grandkids.
We’ve come a long way from when missionaries packed their coffins on the boat and sailed to faraway lands. Grandparents today can enjoy opportunities to stay connected through apps like FaceTime and Zoom. But don’t forget the gospel when you talk to each other. Speak of what you’re learning about the Lord and about yourself by being apart.
One of the best ways to understand where your children are serving is to visit. Unlike much of the Western world, most cultures honor grandparents and consider them valuable. Your presence will honor your children and could open doors for gospel ministry for them and even you. It’ll give you first-hand experience of your children’s and grandchildren’s lives.
Coming Home
There’s usually a time when a missionary needs to return home. And grandchildren often come back sooner. Our kids did, and their grandparents were an essential connection point as they returned to America—a foreign land to them. When our children left for college from the field, the place they stayed and the place they saw as home was with their grandparents.
This year was my father’s 95th birthday. He was surrounded by his loving grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They honor and adore him. He sees my grown sons walk with the Lord. The women they married are some of the best daughters-in-law a father (and a grandfather) could hope for. My children are better parents than I ever was. I’m not surprised by that, but the big surprise—the one I would’ve never guessed in a thousand years—is that we could all live in the same country and city and attend the same church. What a kindness of God that I see my grandchildren every Sunday.
Still, if the Lord called my children to pack up the grandkids and move to the Middle East, I’d be proud and bless them. But I know being away from the grandkids would wrench my heart. I can even see myself tempted to pout and say, “I’m not going to visit you.” But I wouldn’t mean it.
The Gospel Coalition