My husband and I had five minutes before he would leave for work, and we had much to discuss. Thankfully, the kids were playing quietly downstairs, so we settled into the corner of our bedroom and began talking. When we reached our time limit, I was still unloading two days’ worth of burdens and was on the verge of tears. He reached over, gently grabbed my knee, and said, “I love you. I’d like to hear more, but I really have to go to work.”
How could he abandon me when I was obviously not OK? Although my burdens felt heavy, most of them were everyday trials; we weren’t in the midst of a crisis. I simply wanted someone to listen and empathize with my struggles. Even though my husband genuinely wanted to offer comfort, he had to leave. How would I possibly make it through the day without his presence?
Just as I was about to beg him to stay home, I realized something: God wasn’t going anywhere, and I’d neglected to carry my burdens to him.
God’s Good (but Not Ultimate) Gift
If you, like me, have a loving husband, you depend on him in several ways. You rely on him to listen well, offer biblical wisdom, lead you and your family, and tend to your emotional and spiritual needs. Is it wrong to depend on our husbands? Of course not. God gave husbands particular roles in marriage, and wives can expect their husbands to serve their families in those ways (Eph. 5:25–33).
Is it wrong to depend on our husbands? Of course not.
However, it’s possible for us to turn good gifts into ultimate gifts. We often expect our husbands to provide for us emotionally and spiritually, and we forget to cling to the Lord.
Paul warns that even though a Christian wife is committed to Christ, her heart will inevitably be divided, wanting to please both the Lord and her husband (1 Cor. 7:33–35). The challenge we face in marriage is to discern a balance of healthy dependence on our husbands and ultimate dependence on God.
Here are three ways to depend on your husband without idolizing his role in your life.
1. Celebrate his gifts.
God gives each husband unique gifts and abilities (Rom. 12:6–8). Your husband’s personality and the ways he exercises his gifts are also God’s gifts to you. So, you should celebrate your husband’s gifts and joyfully appreciate his abilities that specifically enhance your marriage.
Gifted though they may be, our husbands have limited abilities. They won’t be equipped to handle every situation, potentially leading us to unjustified disappointment. A friend’s husband might display different gifts from ours, and we may be tempted toward envy, bitterness, or resentment. If we’re grumbling or complaining about the gifts our husbands don’t bring to our marriage, it may be a sign of unhealthy dependence. Perhaps we’re expecting too much.
Your husband cannot meet all of your needs, nor will he perfectly exercise the gifts God has given him. But our husbands’ limits serve to point us to the One who is limitless (Ps. 147:5). God alone equips and fills us with everything we need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3). With our eyes fixed on Jesus—the perfect gift—we can celebrate our husband’s gifts and resist the temptation to criticize his imperfections.
2. Seek his wisdom.
On more than one occasion, my husband has offered practical and biblical wisdom in a tough parenting moment or big decision. I value his input and want to hear his opinions. Because God designed husbands and wives as co-laborers in God’s kingdom, we should talk, pray, and make decisions as a couple (Gen. 1:27–28). When we seek wisdom from our husbands, we’re pursuing unity and engaging in work together for God’s glory (Eph. 5:31).
On more than one occasion, my husband’s advice has also been wrong or the decision we made didn’t turn out as planned. It’s tempting to cast blame on our husbands for the fallout or threaten to never seek their advice again. In these moments, we must remember our husbands have limited knowledge. Sometimes their decisions will be flawed and their leadership imperfect.
A husband offers tremendous comfort, but God alone is our refuge and strength.
God is the source and giver of all wisdom (James 1:17). His wisdom is unfathomable, rich, and trustworthy (Rom. 11:33). When we live in complete dependence upon Christ we’re able to graciously accept our husbands’ limited wisdom. We invite, seek, and lean on our husbands’ wisdom, but we do it knowing they depend on God’s wisdom just as much as we do (Prov. 2:6).
3. Cling to his comfort.
If you’ve walked through grief, loss, or shattered dreams during your marriage, you know the comfort a husband can provide: a warm embrace, a listening ear, a willingness to bear witness to your ugly cries—these are tender mercies. I’m well acquainted with this comfort amid suffering, and I’m so grateful for God’s provision of a companion.
But sometimes our husbands will be absent during our darkest moments. They may grieve differently and fail to provide adequate comfort. So we must always cling to Jesus, for he is the friend who sticks closer than a husband (Prov. 18:24). He will never leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5). When tragedy comes, Christ provides the ultimate comfort, for he carried our grief and is acquainted with all of our sorrows (Isa. 53:3–4). A husband offers tremendous comfort, but God alone is our refuge and strength (Ps. 46:1).
Hope in Christ Alone
A husband is a good gift, a wise counselor, and a comforting refuge. I hope every wife can experience these in her marriage. But even the best husband can never fully satisfy our needy souls.
We must place our hope in Christ alone (1 Pet. 1:13). For we know that one day, Jesus—the perfect husband—will return to receive his bride, and we will celebrate him perfectly, see him fully, and cling to him forever. When we bring this kind of living hope to our marriage, we can depend on our husbands rightly because our souls are satisfied in God alone (1 Pet. 1:4; Ps. 107:9).
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