Imagine the people closest to you betray you. It’s your trust in them that lets them get close enough to hurt you so terribly. Now, imagine that this betrayal completely upends your life for years. Everything that made your life good—your family, your home, your safety—is violently taken from you.
Now imagine years bleed into decades. Your life spirals into ever more pain and isolation. And every jab of hurt leads you to agonize over the initial wound: None of this would have happened if it weren’t for them. How could they do this?
However, in the last few years, your fortunes have turned around. From the slums, you’re suddenly lifted to a vaulted position of power. People no longer take advantage of you but try to stay in your good graces. It doesn’t wash all the bitter memories away, but it’s something.
And then, lo and behold, who happens to come before you but them. Your cruel betrayers are there, groveling, asking you for help.
How would you feel? What would you do?
If you haven’t picked up on it yet, this is the story of Joseph from Genesis. Sold into slavery by his brothers, Joseph walks through much injustice and suffering before being catapulted into the most powerful office in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh. And when his brothers come cringing toward him in the end, certain that Joseph will use his power to pay them back, Joseph responds with unexpected mercy, generosity, and warmth (Gen. 50:15–21) .
How?
Joseph avoids the trap of bitterness. And you can too, if you follow these three steps.
1. Understand Bitterness
Bitterness is revealed in our emotions (coldness, anger, resentment, suspicion, revulsion), but it begins in our will. We choose bitterness when we believe that for justice or fairness to be preserved, the offender must be punished in some way.
We may even claim to forgive, but in our heart of hearts, we fear that forgiveness comes at the expense of justice. So, you give your spouse the silent treatment, you cut your parents off, you make life difficult for your kids.
Joseph avoids bitterness by trusting that God is the One who takes care of justice. When his brothers beg for mercy, Joseph replies, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God?” (Gen. 50:19). Joseph knows it isn’t his place to deal out the judgment only God can give. The first step in avoiding bitterness is letting God take care of final justice (Rom. 12:14–21).
Bitterness feels like a solution to the problem, but it isn’t. It’s trying to solve one sin with another sin. Which is why we’re commanded unequivocally to repent of bitterness, full stop (Eph. 4:31). We’re never told bitterness is an acceptable method to coerce repentance or pursue justice, or is permissible until the other person apologizes and makes restitution. Reconciliation requires two people who are willing. But to repent of bitterness only requires one.
Bitterness feels like a solution to the problem, but it isn’t. It’s trying to solve one sin with another sin.
Bitterness isn’t the path to justice—only to more bitterness. Using bitterness to pursue justice is like using a hatchet to build a house, confident it’ll work just like a hammer.
2. Unmask Bitterness
We’re called to be so absolute and unqualified in rejecting bitterness because of its penchant to spread. It’s a “root” (Heb. 12:15) that will only grow and become more difficult to uproot as time goes on.
Plucking up a sapling is easy; removing an oak tree isn’t. Soon, the bitterness you feel toward Person A will make you more prone to taking offense at Person B and more sensitive to Person C. Soon, you become an angry person who holds grudges. It’s a root that “defiles many.”
Bitterness is hard to detect initially because it hides so effectively behind a mask of morality. The bitter person “blesses himself in his heart, saying, ‘I shall be safe, though I walk in the stubbornness of my heart’” (Deut. 29:19). In other words, “I’m not wrong, they are! They’re the ones who hurt me!”
It not only immediately puts you into a morally superior position, but because you’re the victim of the offense, it makes you feel vindicated in your anger. Your pain becomes a kind of force field to keep you from seeing your stubbornness and self-righteousness. Bitterness blinds you.
Joseph, on the other hand, displays a remarkable clarity of sight. He tells his brothers, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Gen. 50:20). God can spin the coarse thread of evil into the gold of good (Rom. 8:28).
Joseph doesn’t pretend his brothers did no wrong. But he doesn’t burn with vengeful bitterness either. He sees how God used it for good. Had they not betrayed him, he wouldn’t have been put into his position to save the lives of many.
3. Undo Bitterness
Bitterness may begin as a decision of the will, but soon it cements itself in our emotions and becomes difficult to overcome. In time, you may even desire to no longer feel bitter, but you’re trapped in it. How can we be free from a bitter heart?
Joseph tells his brothers, “Do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And thus “he comforted them and spoke kindly to them” (Gen. 50:21). One way we can undo bitterness is by showing kindness and love to our enemies (Rom. 12:14, 20). C. S. Lewis famously taught,
Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbour; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.
If you wait till you’re feeling forgiving toward someone you’re harboring bitterness against, you’ll likely be waiting forever, and the root of bitterness will only grow. Don’t wait for feelings to come; act.
Bitterness may begin as a decision of the will, but soon it cements itself in our emotions and becomes difficult to overcome.
It feels wise in the popular therapy world to distance yourself from people who have hurt you, or maybe to cut them out of your life entirely. Certainly, there are caveats here for particular circumstances of safety. But if you cut off contact with someone who sins against you, you likely won’t find healing in separation alone. In that stretch of noninteraction, dark suspicions will grow bitter fruit, and your perceptions of the person will most likely get worse, not better.
Power of Grace
The gospel is the powerful elixir needed to break you from the spell of bitterness (Eph. 4:31–32). Your sins against Jesus Christ are far worse than the sins you’re embittered by. If you’re wringing your hands in anger about how someone could sin against you, how do you think our Lord feels?
Ah, but that’s the wonder of the gospel: Jesus doesn’t repay bitterness with bitterness. His heart is warm, eager, generous, kind, and welcoming to sinners. Even bitter ones. So go and give what you’ve been given.
The Gospel Coalition