Fair warning: If you are looking for an examination of marriage’s benefits or why it’s declining, this piece is not for you. Please read one of the articles linked at the bottom of the page.
If, however, you’re looking for an uncomfortably honest, completely anecdotal explanation of why the nice young men and women in your life aren’t getting hitched — I’m glad you’re here.
My name is Emily. I’m a twenty-something Christian with a college degree, a personality and the ability to make eye contact in conversation. For a long time, I assumed this would be enough to interest potential life partners. I entered the dating pool without artifice, looking for solid friendships and conversation that could eventually turn into something more.
That’s not how modern dating works. If you want to find a partner, you have to play the game — and the game is shaped by social media, dating apps and casual sex.
I am ill-equipped to play this game, a lesson I began learning in college when a fellow student asked for my Snapchat.
“I don’t have a Snapchat, but you can have my number!” I replied, much to his confusion.
Unbeknownst to me, I’d skipped several steps in a modern courtship ritual. When two people want to get to know each other better, they exchange social media accounts to communicate. Only when a relationship becomes more serious are phone numbers exchanged.
By prematurely offering my digits, I’d communicated an inappropriate amount of interest and completely freaked out my classmate. Safe to say he didn’t text me.
After this incident, I briefly obtained a Snapchat. Bad call. The app famous for its “disappearing” pictures is a favorite for sending nude pictures.
At first, I thought this was unique to one or two sleazy men. But I came to realize couples communicating over social media frequently exchanged explicit images, either as a precursor to a hook-up or a step toward making a relationship more serious.
I also learned that young people — particularly women — are expected to know that communicating on social media will result in some kind of proposition or unwanted image. People who send unsolicited images generally express surprise or confusion, rather than sheepishness, when their advances are (strenuously) rebuffed.
I think I deleted Snapchat within a month of downloading it. But it doesn’t change the impact social media, dating apps and casual sex had, and continues to have, on singles around me.
Most modern romantic interactions begin with the assumption that some sexual exchange will occur. Unless someone explicitly corrects this assumption, both parties interpret every word, look or gesture through this lens. If I had a nickel for every time I thought I’d made a genuine connection only to be aggressively propositioned and realize they didn’t remember my name — I’d have a lot of nickels.
The expectation of physicality comes, in part, from people’s expectation that romantic relationships form out of nothing. No longer do romantic relationships commonly spring from friendships. Single people turn to bars, dating apps and mixers to meet other people interested in a relationship. Outside these specific situations, romantic prospects are evaluated instantaneously (thank you, dating apps).
If none seem likely, the proverbial “dating glasses” come off. Singles in churches, offices and social groups stop looking for romantic relationships because they think they’ve already ruled them out.
This is the soup young people are swimming through. Many, including myself, frequently abstain from dating rather than mining for a genuine interaction in the muck.
There’s no quick solution to this problem; it’s the complex product of cultural attitudes toward sex and technology. But you can stop it from getting worse. Take time to understand the issue and show compassion to the twenty-somethings in your life. It’s wacky out here, and not all of us are lazy, spoiled or incompetent.
Additional Articles and Resources
Mapping Declining US Marriage Rates
Myths Persist: Pop Culture Wrongly Steers Women Away From Marriage
Family Scholars Explain the Current Marriage Paradox in America
Reclaiming the Truth About Marriage
Marriage Rates are Declining, But Christian Men and Women Still Very Likely to Get Married
No, Young Adults, Marriage Has Not ‘Outlived Its Usefulness’
Meta Takes Steps to Prevent Kids from Sexting
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