Not many habits communicate love more powerfully than listening. David Augsburger observes, “Being heard is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.”
True listening isn’t just hearing words but selflessly seeking understanding. It’s the quietest way to shout, “I love you.”
Good listeners are a heavenly respite in a world full of chronically under-encouraged and under-heard people. Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). Applying Jesus’s words to conversations, we might say, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you listen to one another.”
Listening Is a Habit
Someone once told me, “I’m a bad listener,” as if it were a hopelessly unchangeable attribute like eye color. But listening is a habit more than a fixed trait. Save for rare exceptions, we can all be good listeners with practice.
We can all be good listeners with practice.
Consider 12 ways to improve your listening and make others feel heard. (My advice: Pick one or two to apply in your next interaction. Once you’ve done that, return to this article and pick another one or two to add.)
1. Look people in the eye.
Attentive eyes communicate, “You’re the most important thing to me right now.” They give a visual representation of the God who sees. Meanwhile, wandering eyes usually make the other person feel unheard (or not fully heard).
2. Face people.
As the other person is talking, ask yourself, Does my body language communicate I’m all in on this conversation or that I’m more interested in something else? Every time we turn our face toward someone in love, we reenact the gospel in miniature form.
3. Put down your phone.
I once heard someone say, “I’m able to look at my phone and listen at the same time.” I’m not sure that’s possible. But even if it were, remember: just because you’re listening doesn’t mean the other person feels heard.
4. Ask engaging questions.
Question-asking is the oil and the sweetener of all meaningful dialogue. If you struggle to think of good questions, keep the acronym FORKS in your tool belt. Ask the other person about these topics:
Family (e.g., What’s one quality you admire in each family member and why?)
Occupation (e.g., What’s your favorite part of your job and why?)
Recreation (e.g., What’s your favorite way to use your free time and why?)
Knowledge (e.g., What have you been learning about recently?)
Spirituality (e.g., What’s one high and one low in your faith right now?)
(For further tips on asking great questions, see another article I wrote for The Gospel Coalition.)
5. Ask clarifying questions.
Clarifying someone’s words shows your interest in the conversation and desire to understand. These are two of the best questions to ask: “What did you mean by [insert one specific word or phrase she said]?” and “Are you saying that [insert what you think she’s saying in your own words]?”
6. Smile.
Smiling shows you enjoy the other person’s presence. You don’t need to smile for the entire interaction (that could get weird!). But if you spend an hour with someone and never smile, what does this communicate about your interest in him and what he has to say?
7. Give nonverbal feedback while he’s talking.
Facial expressions (e.g., nods, raised eyebrows, smiles, frowns) and other nonverbal or short verbal affirmations (“Mhmm.” “Yes!” “Oh wow . . .”) show you understand and are actively listening.
8. Don’t assume you already know what she’s going to say.
Too often we listen for a few seconds, assume the main idea, then tune out and wait for our turn to talk. Stephen Covey observes, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Resist this urge.
By shifting your attention from formulating your response to tracking the other person’s words from start to finish, you’ll discover more, love better, and stand out (in a good way) from the masses.
9. Write down key details.
It can be easy to forget important parts of a dialogue (e.g., the names of her kids, the anniversary of his mom’s death, her prayer requests). Immediately after a conversation ends, take note of these things. Remembering sensitive details will go a long way in making someone feel heard and loved.
The older I get, the more I realize the people who remember key details aren’t those with the best memories. They’re those with the best notes.
10. Set aside time for undistracted listening.
It’s understandably difficult to listen well as you’re rushing out the door, about to take an important phone call, or falling asleep after a long day. Make listening easier by setting aside time to engage without distraction.
If you cannot give someone your full attention, say, “I’d love to hear more about this, but I’m distracted right now. Could we discuss this [insert a specific day and time]?” This communicates you care about the other person’s thoughts enough to ensure you can give them your full attention.
11. Pray.
Before you meet with someone (or walk inside to see your spouse), pray, “Lord, help me to listen well.” This glorifies God, honors the other person, and puts your mind in the right place. And you better believe God loves to answer this prayer.
12. Follow up.
Whenever you circle back to a detail or event someone cares about, you communicate, “I heard you, care about you, and want to hear more.” After a meaningful conversation, set a “follow up with [insert name]” reminder on your phone for a couple of days later. Reminders aren’t cheating; they’re loving.
You can assume whoever you interact with today is under-encouraged and under-heard and would benefit from your listening. By incorporating these habits into your conversations, you’ll communicate Christ’s knowledge and love in rare and refreshing ways.
The Gospel Coalition