When our daughter was diagnosed with cancer at age 4, I naively thought every church looked after caregivers the way our church supported us. Our hospital room was rarely empty. Our fridge was always full. Our other children were doted on by church members. Our pastor encouraged my husband over coffee. Older women sat with me, and friends rallied me when I felt spent.
But when I began writing to encourage caregivers, I heard stories vastly different from mine: Women who had to step out of ministry roles to care for an aging parent and who never got a follow-up call from their church staff wondering how they were doing. Young moms receiving a diagnosis for their child that would require special accommodation at church being told to start their own special needs program. Dads called into caregiving with no one to talk to about their grief, the strain on their marriage, or the added financial stress.
Caregiving is a hard and holy calling that God uses to sanctify us and display his love to others. This may not always be obvious, but those who give care also need to receive care. So how can local churches come alongside members who are caregivers?
1. Pray for caregivers.
Every time you pray for people in your church who are sick, injured, or going through a difficult medical event, also pray for their caregivers. Recognize that not all caregivers care for someone who’ll get better. Add a section in your prayer newsletter for those dealing with long-term issues like a child with disabilities or an aging parent who’s approaching death.
Those who give care also need to receive care.
As you pray for the caregivers, your love for them will grow. God will prompt you to serve them in practical ways. You’ll notice when they aren’t present at church. And you’ll want to make sure they’re included in your church community as much as possible.
2. Include caregivers (and their loved ones) in worship.
A mom with two special needs children wrote to me saying, “I honestly just wish we were seen and wanted at church.” Another woman told me, “I think it’s an assumption that we as [caregivers] have too much on our plates to serve within the church, but the reality for me is that I’d like to volunteer more, I just need help.”
Caregivers have told me over and over that they long to be included in worship with their local churches, but logistics can be tricky. Consider how your church can remove barriers to participation. For example, you might help a caregiver reserve the same seat each week so her mom with dementia feels more comfortable and less confused about the routine at church.
It’s wonderful when a church has a thriving special needs program or support groups for caregivers, but the reality is that many churches don’t have the resources—and that’s OK. More than they need a fancy program, caregivers (and their loved ones) want to be included in what your church is already doing.
3. Weep with caregivers.
The hardest messages I get are like this one from a mom who’ll be a caregiver for the rest of her life: “I wish people would reach out to my husband and me individually and ask us out to coffee just to chat and pray with us.”
So much of caregiving is done quietly, selflessly, and away from the view of others. Caregivers are face to face with broken bodies, failing minds, and diagnoses that dramatically alter how their loved ones go through life. There’s so much grief. You grieve the life you expected for your child. You grieve the loss of your parents’ minds before they’re physically gone. You grieve the changes in your marriage when your spouse gets a diagnosis. And you grieve your own losses.
As caregivers process, they often just want to talk. A listening ear, a gentle spirit, and a praying heart can do wonders for the caregiver who feels alone and is just trying to get through each day. This can look like a phone call, coming by with lunch, providing respite care so the caregiver can get out of the house, and, if possible, organizing a support group for caregivers to encourage one another.
4. Help caregivers grow in their faith.
When you take time to listen, you’ll discover that caregivers often have deep faith questions. A pastor’s wife with a daughter who has severe disabilities once confided in me that she spends her days telling women how much God loves them but then goes home at night and wonders if God loves her. She didn’t feel like she could admit this to anyone. But if we’re honest, when life gets hard, aren’t we all tempted to ask that question deep in our hearts?
A listening ear, a gentle spirit, and a praying heart can do wonders for the caregiver who feels alone.
Caregivers are often vulnerable because of the suffering they and their loved ones are enduring, and the internet is full of people preying on these vulnerabilities. Caregivers need rich theology from their local churches. They need to be supported as they wrestle with hard questions about God’s sovereignty and the brokenness of the world. They need encouragement to find joy in their hardships as they cling tightly to Christ. They need the gospel of Jesus Christ preached to their hearts repeatedly.
Thankfully, the weight of caring for caregivers doesn’t rest on the shoulders of church leaders or members. Jesus is described as our Good Shepherd, and what is a shepherd if not a caregiver of his sheep (John 10:11)? Our Good Shepherd protects us, provides for us, and cares for us when we’re completely unable to care for ourselves. He even laid down his life for ours. What the caregivers in your church ultimately need is to be ushered into the presence of the One who cares perfectly for them.
The Gospel Coalition