I “accepted Jesus into my heart” for the first time when I was about 5 years old. At that point, I’d already been affected by sexual sin—sin that would seep deep into my mind and heart as I grew. During my childhood and early teen years, I was addicted to finding any sexually explicit image I could set my eyes on. The electronic tools I had access to made this dark pursuit simple and largely covert.
Amid my secret rebellion against God and my parents, I attended church each week with my family. I thought I was a Christian because of the decision I made when I was 5. But I never prayed or read the Bible outside of church and had no desire to. I never understood the gospel. The truth is, I wasn’t a Christian at all.
Struggling Alone
I did know what I was doing was wrong. Guilt over my addiction and an awareness of my powerlessness against it dominated my mind. I was living a life of shame and hopelessness. So I often “recommitted my life to Christ,” thinking my disobedience must stem from my lack of true commitment. With each new resolve, I hoped I’d be able to stop lying to my parents. I hoped I’d no longer struggle with putting down the phone.
I was an immensely broken child in a church that never discussed sin or the transformative power of the gospel. The pastor seemed to have a perfect life. The congregants dressed and spoke exactly the way you’d expect from perfect Christians. As far as my young mind could tell, I was the only stained one, the only corrupted one. There seemed to be no escape from my sinful bondage, so I disguised my shame with imitated perfection. I acted like a perfect Christian, hoping someday it would become a reality.
I was an immensely broken child in a church that never discussed sin or the transformative power of the gospel.
I think back on this time and my heart cries out in anguish over what I was missing. Oh precious child, there’s grace for your sins; there’s healing for your brokenness; there’s righteousness to cover your shame. But these things will not and cannot come from you.
The Lord pursued me into my teen years, even after I stopped going to church. When I was 14, after many years of attempting and utterly failing to overcome my sin by my own strength, I was finally broken enough to surrender my sin to Christ. By his Spirit, I was freed from digital sexual sin. He caused me to desire his Word and fellowship with other believers.
But of course, coming to Christ didn’t immediately remove all the sin patterns in my life. I continued in other struggles that had woven themselves into the fabric of my life before Christ. And I was struggling alone, without the support of the church. I visited churches throughout high school, hoping to find the help I needed, but I continued to feel like an outsider.
Confessing in Community
During the summer before my first year of college, by God’s infinite grace, my high school running coach invited me to join his family at their church. This church was like none of the others I’d visited. Their stated ministry purpose described exactly what I needed: “Helping people journey from brokenness to wholeness through the gospel of Jesus Christ.” These people had a deep-seated love for the Word of God and an understanding of the practical implications of the gospel that I’d never seen before. After that first Sunday, this became my church.
Through the biblical counseling and discipleship ministry there, I had the opportunity to work through the guilt and shame I’d borne alone for years. I was able to confess my sin after 15 years of hiding my wretched past. Through reading, memorizing, and dwelling on the Word of God in relationship with other believers, I came to a true understanding of the gospel.
For the first time, I saw the beauty of Jesus Christ’s sacrifice. It was no longer an impersonal or abstract concept that the Son of God would live a perfectly innocent life and surrender himself to be slaughtered as the all-sufficient atonement for my sins and the sins of the world. It was no longer an impossible mystery that God raised Christ from the dead after three days and that through this resurrection Christ defeated death itself. Christ suffered and died so I wouldn’t have to face the just punishment for my sins against a holy God. With help and encouragement from the body of Christ, God opened my eyes and softened my heart to the truth of this good news.
Journeying Together
God has continued to use this church in powerful ways to draw me to himself. This is a place where sin is called what it is and the chosen of God are called what they are—free. Free from the bondage of sin, free through the Spirit of Christ to obey God.
This is a place where sin is called what it is and the chosen of God are called what they are—free.
I love watching faithful servants week in and week out commit their time, energy, and resources to the Lord and his people. And I desire to do the same. I love learning from and being encouraged by women of God who are passionate about the Word, who love Christ with a love I didn’t know was possible, and who desire to love me the way Christ does. As my heart bursts with joy in their presence, I desire to mirror Christ in all I do.
I love to hear my precious pastors preach God’s Word each week as I learn more and more of the riches of God’s provision for his saints in the gospel. I learn from them what it means to humbly obey the calling of the Lord above all fleshly fear, anxiety, and selfish ambition.
I love my church because God has used these brothers and sisters as conduits for my transformation into the image of his Son. I love my church because these saints reveal the heart of Christ to me as we journey together in one Spirit toward eternal wholeness and glory.
The Gospel Coalition