John Piper once wrote,
If our single, all-embracing passion is to make much of Christ in life and death, and if the life that magnifies him most is the life of costly love, then life is risk, and risk is right. To run from it is to waste your life. (Risk Is Right, 17)
I agree. I don’t want to waste my life; I want to run toward costly love, even if that means facing risk. I want the same thing for you. For some of us, costly love may require the right risk of cross-cultural church planting. For some, it may require the right risk of moving to an uncomfortable city or neighborhood.
And for some, costly love may require the right risk of pursuing a godly spouse.
He who finds a good wife has gotten a gift, a hearty smile from the King (Proverbs 18:22). A godly spouse is a wise investment, and children are the great return (Proverbs 31:10; Psalm 127:3). But from the garden onward, the foundation of marriage has been costly love.
Eve’s very genesis reveals this profound truth about the husband-wife relationship: It required from Adam a rib. Before sin ever entered the world, Adam had to enter sleep (a “death” of sorts), sacrificing part of his own body so that his wife could live. The name “Eve” denotes “life” in Hebrew, so it is not a stretch to say that life itself springs from costly love.
Man could not fulfill his glorious task of representing God’s rule through multiplication and dominion any other way. The fall and curse underlined this reality, but they did not cause it. It was sown into the fabric of man’s genesis. The first picture of Christ and his church included a price point and a stitched-up side. The mother of all living herself sprang from costly love; should we not expect something similar for her daughters? There is indeed a risk inherent to the realm of romance, but that risk is right.
Realm of Many Risks
The first challenge for many today is not how to pursue marriage but whether to pursue it at all.
Why? Well, some people are cynical. The marital institution has been corrupted over time. Others see marriage as implausible — not in this economy! But I suspect fear paralyzes the majority.
Modernity catechizes young ladies to pursue the gender-neutral path to “success” that lands them squarely in the 9-to-5, laboring for a corporation (rather than a household), submitting to a CEO (rather than a husband), and filling a checking account and 401k (rather than a womb). In short, they are being told to invest in a career rather than a spouse.
Many young ladies buy into this not because they despise the male sex but out of fear. What if she never finds “the one”? What if her fairy tale is written backward, and her “prince” turns out to be a toad? Even if she does find her prince, it’s a two-income society. So she works more and more, and she looks less and less, and she fears.
I know more than a few ladies who did not chart this course intentionally. They never outright dismissed the opposite sex. Some of them simply followed the career path suggested by their parents. Many of them are trying to be productive and make the best use of their time; they have bills to pay, skills to use, and talents to honor their Lord with. Many would say they still want to get married. But even if fear did not put them there, it may keep them. The longer you build a life and future as a single person, the harder it may be to imagine anything different — and the more it may feel like a risk to pursue a marriage that could change everything, though you yearn for companionship and family.
The guys have their own fears to deal with. The “Chads” love to quote the Stoics as they pour their soul into bodybuilding, but many of them are Epicurean when it comes to romance. Epicurus and the “incel” (involuntary celibate) share a striking similarity in their outlook: The “good life” is defined by maximally avoiding pain. So don’t even try to get the girl. Have you seen the divorce statistics? Have you seen the double standards and unrealistic expectations? No thanks. I’ll stick to my friends and my hobbies.
But just like with the ladies, most young, single men have not dismissed the institution or ideal. Many just fear the risk. Risk of rejection. Risk of wasting their time. Risk of the unfamiliar. Even the white knights are afraid of risk: What if he hurts her? What if he makes a mistake? What if he ruins the good friendship they have? What if he’s not ready — financially, spiritually, emotionally? And of course, our society incentivizes prolonged adolescence with Netflix, video games, and sports.
If I may point at extremities to make my point: Young women cope with their fear of risk by pursuing a career path that looks strangely like what used to be a man’s idea of success. And young men avoid the risk by black-pilling (deciding the game is rigged and the future is hopeless) and withdrawing altogether.
Risk Is Still Right
Here is the truth. Marriage is still good — and still part of God’s plan for filling the world with people who represent his rule. The Great Commission has not superseded or nullified the Cultural Mandate; they are compatible. Complementary, even.
Is it risky to bear fruit, multiply, and take dominion? Yes. A rib is the price of entry. And that was before the thorns. It will cost you far more, especially if you “win.” It will require death to self every day. You will risk embarrassment, failure, exposed sin, the needs of others, ingratitude, and, if you are abundantly successful, sleepless nights and dirty diapers. It will cost you. But cost is not always curse; sometimes cost is the point.
Remember David’s final words in 2 Samuel. Araunah offered to give him a threshing floor and oxen so David could make a sacrifice that would save the nation. “No, but I will buy it from you for a price. I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God that cost me nothing” (2 Samuel 24:24). David knew the cost gave his action meaning. Life is not about avoiding pain. Life is about pain that purchases something worthwhile. Life is costly because love is costly. That’s not the curse. That’s part of what makes it good.
Not Riskless, Not Reckless
By all means, think about the right risk of devoting your life to singleness, so you can be single-mindedly devoted to the things of the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32–34). Consider that a genuine option. But if it’s in your heart to get married, take a different risk that’s also right: the risk of pursuing a godly spouse.
If you are an unmarried woman, read the book of Ruth. Take note: It is not unspiritual to have a strategy for getting a spouse. Sometimes, we assume that if we just do all the spiritual stuff — read the Bible, pray, attend church, serve — God will drop off a husband on our front porch. But that’s like a married couple waiting on their front porch for babies by stork. I write to you what I would say to them: Friends, there is in fact something you can do about this!
It is okay to have a strategy, a game plan — in fact, it may prove necessary. You might need to change your schedule, rearrange weekly commitments, and ask married couples in your church for help. Ruth and Naomi were a couple of schemers. Boaz did not stand a chance because they had a thoughtful strategy that the Lord blessed.
Unmarried men, you too can plan. A good life is not riskless, but it is also not reckless. My encouragement is advice well-worn: Do not, first and foremost, focus on getting a girl; instead, focus on building the kind of life a woman would want to join you in. Are you the kind of godly man a godly woman would want to marry? Read Psalms 127 and 128. See what a great blessing a wife and a family are. See the connection between building a household and keeping a civilization. See the connections between family and fulfillment, between lineage and legacy. See how truly good it is. Desire it. Aspire to it. Pursue it. Let the mature married couples in your church know you’re on the hunt for a godly woman. Ask for their input.
And when wise counsel agrees you’re in a good and godly state to date, go for it. Ask her out. Do not make her make the first move. Don’t belittle her if she does — but take the lead from there. Seek wise counsel about how to date well. Maybe do some light reading.
Do you want a pain-free life? Save yourself from the pain of loneliness and irrelevance that will inevitably come from a youth squandered on isolation and entertainment. Do you want to avoid risk? Avoid the risk of wasting your life on self-serving comfort. Embrace the risk of laying yourself down for the sake of costly love. Life is love, and love is costly, so life is risky.
And that means, in the realm of romance, that risk is right.
Desiring God