“I wish my husband would initiate Bible reading with our family.”
“How can I get my husband to pray with me more?”
“Why is my husband such a great leader at work but seems indifferent when it comes to leading our family in spiritual growth?”
“I don’t think my husband is a good spiritual leader.”
Women’s ministry leaders often hear concerns like these from women in our churches, and it can be hard to know how best to respond. What does she mean by a good spiritual leader? Who determines what characterizes a bad spiritual leader? What is spiritual leadership in marriage supposed to look like? I want to help her, but how?
We often feel ill-equipped to help a woman with marital struggles, but this one may be particularly intimidating. Scripture doesn’t provide detailed instructions about spiritual leadership for husbands. In fact, the Bible doesn’t even use the term “spiritual leadership.” And even if we think we’ve seen another man lead well, his gifts and personality are different from her husband’s. Each marriage is unique, so the help we offer must be nuanced.
Thankfully, God’s Word provides wisdom for all of life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3). Scripture paints a beautiful and mysterious image of the marriage relationship as one that demonstrates Christ’s majesty (Eph. 5:22–33). As we apply gospel truths to marriage, we can help the wife who feels frustrated or disappointed with her husband.
We can’t prescribe specific steps toward change or promise a certain outcome, but we do have at least five ways to help.
1. Acknowledge her good desire.
God’s design for marriage to represent the relationship between Christ and the church gives us clarity about the roles of husband and wife: The husband is the head, and he’s meant to lead his wife toward spiritual flourishing (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:22–33). Wives are called to submit to their husbands, thus affirming the leadership and responsibility God has given him.
A woman who is married to a Christian man—a man who is being transformed into Christ’s image (Rom. 8:29)—is right to expect him to lead her toward greater spiritual growth.
2. Seek to understand her struggle.
Even though her desire is good, the consequences of sin have inevitably affected her marriage (Gen. 3:16; Rom. 8:20–22). Her husband won’t lead her perfectly. She’ll respond poorly at times to even his best efforts at spiritual leadership. Her expectations may even be skewed by experiences, trauma, or extrabiblical teaching. To provide help, we must understand what she means when expressing her husband’s failure to lead.
A woman who is married to a Christian man is right to expect him to lead her toward greater spiritual growth.
Is she dissatisfied with the way he incorporates the Bible into their family worship, or is he neglecting God’s Word, prayer, and gathering with other believers altogether? By asking thoughtful questions, you can help her uncover the heart of her struggle (Prov. 20:5). You could ask questions like these:
What do you mean when you say you think your husband isn’t a good spiritual leader?
Are there any men in your life whom you consider good spiritual leaders? If so, why?
What do you want your husband to do or say differently?
With a clearer understanding of her struggle, you’ll know the severity of the situation and whether to move the conversation forward or seek additional help from a pastor, elder, or counselor.
3. Point her to the gospel.
Sin will affect spiritual leadership in marriage, but we have a Savior who alone is sufficient to redeem, restore, provide, and sustain us (Col. 1:9–14). Whether a wife is grieving her husband’s imperfections, longing for better leadership, or unsettled by her husband’s lack of spiritual engagement, she can find hope in the Holy Spirit’s power and presence.
As a wife rests in Christ alone to lead her perfectly, she can then embrace her husband—in all his imperfections—and be confident that Christ will bring about spiritual growth in her life (Phil. 1:6). She can graciously move toward her husband and delight in learning to grow alongside him in spiritual maturity.
4. Offer her practical wisdom.
You can’t change her husband, you can’t change her, and you can’t fix their marriage. But you can help equip her to move toward her husband in prayer, conversation, and gospel partnership.
Prompt her to pray for her husband: for his relationship with the Lord (Phil. 1:9–11), for him to speak with her about spiritual things (Col. 3:16), and for opportunities to connect with him about their growth in Christ. Encourage her to graciously express her concerns, share her expectations, and invite him to do the same.
One way a wife can help her husband is by spurring him on to love and good works (Heb. 10:25). She can do so honorably and lovingly, as a coheir with Christ. Although he’s called to lead her, she’s called to sharpen his faith and live out the “one anothers” of Scripture in relationship with him (Rom. 12:9–12). As she does, she partners with him in spiritual growth and beautifully displays the glory of Christ.
5. Help her appreciate the ways her husband is leading.
Often, a woman who questions her husband’s spiritual leadership needs a broader perspective on leadership. You can help by encouraging her to notice her husband’s God-given spiritual gifts.
He may lead in generosity by managing their budget so they can give sacrificially. Perhaps he leads in wisdom by helping her apply biblical principles to decision-making. He may lead his family in service by volunteering for community outreach, serving in the nursery at church, or helping an elderly neighbor with house repairs. When a wife expands the scope of what she thinks it means to lead, she may discover her husband is leading in more ways than she thought.
Often, a woman who questions her husband’s spiritual leadership needs a broader perspective on leadership.
A husband is a good spiritual leader when he lives in humble reliance on God’s grace and strives to live in a manner worthy of the gospel. By exemplifying Christ’s character, he’ll lead his wife to love Jesus more, resulting in spiritual growth in his own life, her life, and the lives of those they interact with.
You can help a struggling woman by reminding her of these truths. Encourage her with gospel hope and point her to the goal of it all: the marriage yet to come.
Wives can embrace the imperfect ways their husbands lead them now, knowing their leadership is just a taste of the glory to come when we’re with Jesus, our perfect Bridegroom, forever (Rev. 21:2–3).
The Gospel Coalition