As the nation prepares to celebrate its 250th birthday this Independence Day weekend, it’s high time that we consider how instrumental John and Abigail Adams’ 54-year union was to the formation of our union.
In fact, that one remarkable marriage is a microcosm of the incredible good the institution exerts on culture and society in ways big and small. Good marriages aren’t just beneficial for the husband and wife but also for their families and those within their circle of influence.
“Marriage matters for the neighborhood,” observed Dr. Brad Wilcox, professor of sociology and Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. “It matters for the city. It matters for the state, the country. A lot of Americans think marriage is just a private affair. But what they don’t see is that it actually affects the common good.”
Known as the “Atlas of Independence,” John Adams was a 24-year-old lawyer when he first crossed paths with 15-year-old Abigail Smith. A friend of John’s was dating Abigail’s older sister when he first stopped by the family home. Given her youthfulness, John didn’t pay much attention – but they met again two years later and then married after a two-year courtship.
As a lawyer, John’s work took him away from his home for extended periods of time. Wanting to remain in touch prior to getting married and certainly after tying the knot, John and Abigail began what would become a legendary habit of exchanging long and heartfelt letters. That written form of communication lent itself well to the quiet and reserved temperament of Abigail Smith.
“My pen is always freer than my tongue,” she once wrote.
To understand the profound influence that the Adams’ marriage had on everyone and everything else, one needs to understand that Abigail wasn’t just John’s wife, but also his most trusted confidant and advisor throughout his life and political career. Theirs was a marriage built on trust, candor, and mutual respect and encouragement.
In fact, husbands and wives today can learn a whole lot about how to enjoy a more fulfilling and loving union by studying the marriage of John and Abigail Adams.
By exchanging over 1,100 letters over the years, John and Abigail made it clear they were each prioritizing the other. They shared details of their days, shared inside stories, and remained fiercely curious about one another. Their correspondence was also playful at times. John referred to Abigail as “Miss Adorable” and Abigail nicknamed John “My Dearest Friend.”
It’s evident from reading the letters between John and Abigail that the two felt absolute freedom to be forthright with one another. In a famous letter from 1776, Abigail vents a bit to her husband, who was in Philadelphia debating next steps in the American Revolution:
Abigail would urge John and his fellow revolutionaries to “Remember the Ladies” when constructing America’s new government. Modern feminists often point to her admonition as evidence she was calling for something of a gender revolution. In reality, she was urging her husband and fellow delegates to treat women with the same spirit of love, kindness, and favor we all enjoy from God.
Both devout Christians, John and Abigail had six children, though one died at birth and another as a toddler. Of course, their son, John Quincy, grew up to be the sixth president of the United States.
A staunch abolitionist, Abigail urged her husband to hold fast in his anti-slavery convictions.
“It always appeared a most iniquitous scheme to me — to fight ourselves for what we are daily robbing and plundering from those who have as good a right to freedom as we have.”
When John began growing weary with the war and the colonists’ quest for independence, she provided much-needed encouragement. She wrote him, “These are the times in which a genius would wish to live.” Great wives offer perspective when we sometimes get too close to a situation and lose our objectivity.
Abigail also challenged her husband to remain engaged and active in his later years. “Wisdom and penetration are the fruit of experience, not the lessons of retirement and leisure,” she wrote.
Whether via letters or in-person, John and Abigail Adams modeled for their contemporaries and for generations to come the attributes of a strong marriage, which was rooted in their mutual Christian faith. As Abigail lay dying, she reportedly told John, “Do not grieve, my friend, my dearest friend. I am ready to go. And John, it will not be long.”
After her passing, John wrote, “I wish I could lay down beside her and die too.” He then added, “My friend, my companion, my wife of fifty-four years, in all the trials and afflictions of life, is no more. She was my all.”
John would die eight years later – July 4, 1826 – the same day as Thomas Jefferson and the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
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