There’s a Mother’s Day meme that says, “Mom, we’ve hired a few people to fill in for you while you relax on Mother’s Day.” The picture is crowded with eight people — from a taxi driver to a chef — trying to do everything a mother does! A young husband laughs at that funny meme. But then, at some point, he tries to actually fill in for his wife and do all that she does for their young children, and the meme feels more like reality.
With six kids, I used to dread our church’s women’s retreat. I can still recall the long days of warming bottles, changing diapers, getting my kids dressed, getting breakfast and lunch and dinner on the table, attempting to clean the kitchen, helping with homeschool assignments, getting to sports practices, resolving conflicts, dealing with discipline problems, and trying to comfort tears. It was nonstop from Friday to Sunday and left me exhausted. The tales of a mother still being in her pajamas by mid-afternoon were too true of me. After counting the seconds until my wife got home, I’d jokingly tell her, “Honey, I have to give you a raise.”
Don’t get me wrong: I love all six of my kids, and I love being a dad. But trying to be mom was the hardest weekend of the year for me.
Young husbands, your wife needs you to know something: While it is her great blessing and joy to be a mom, often it is also her heaviest burden. You need to know that in order to husband her well in this season of your marriage.
A text comes to mind that, while not a direct parallel to your situation, provides principles to help you become the kind of husband who helps his wife through the wonderful but tiring years with young kids. In Luke 7:11–17, a woman walks past Jesus in a large crowd during a funeral procession. Luke tells us she was a widow whose only son had just died. In the ancient world, for a woman to be deprived of both husband and son was cataclysmic. Consider what Jesus, the good shepherd, did, along with three principles from his actions that can help you better shepherd your wife.
1. See her deeply.
Luke tells us that, out of all the people in the crowd, “the Lord saw her” (Luke 7:13). I love the simplicity of that statement. Before you can shepherd anyone well, including your wife, you have to see her.
Family life gets exponentially more complicated when you start having kids. During the honeymoon phase of marriage, it’s easy to see your wife; she’s the only other person in your home. Hers is the only voice you hear. Hers are the only concerns you have to address. She’s the only person you have to please.
But once you add kids into the equation, especially if they start coming like they’re on a conveyor belt, it can be way easier to see the kids and their concerns than your wife. After all, kids are loud, not ashamed to yell until you hear them above the crowdedness of your home. They aren’t considerate; they’ll push their little bodies past your wife to stand in front of you. They don’t care about your privacy and the intimate time your marriage needs; they’ll climb into your bed right between you and your wife.
What can a husband do? Look through the crowd in your home and make sure you see — really see — your wife. Do you see a worried, weary, or defeated face? If you see anything other than a face that radiates, “I’m great!” then roll up your sleeves and get to shepherding. The maxim that compares a wife to a thermometer and a husband to a thermostat contains real wisdom. Your wife’s countenance communicates volumes about how you are shepherding her — and how she needs you to shepherd her.
2. Connect with her emotionally.
Luke adds that Jesus “had compassion on her and said to her, ‘Do not weep’” (Luke 7:13). Marriage is a wonderful gift from God (Proverbs 18:22), and children are his blessing (Psalm 127:5), but we don’t live in Eden. Outside the garden, children can bring pain, sometimes great pain. Do you try to understand what your wife is experiencing? Do you try to connect with her emotions? Or does she feel isolated and alone? Does she know that you genuinely care?
You may not have your wife’s emotional intelligence, but it will mean the world to her if she can share her deep feelings with you and know you will sincerely listen. She knows you’re not Jesus and you can’t do miracles, but does she also know that you will bear her emotional burdens with her — that she doesn’t have to carry them alone?
Don’t fall asleep every night oblivious to her struggles. Love her enough to pray for her, about her, and with her. Like a priest in the home, intercede for her and your children. Remind her that you’re there for her no matter what — and better yet, remind her that Jesus is with her.
3. Help her practically.
Finally, Luke tells us that Jesus acted (Luke 7:14). That’s what men want to do, right? Well, not always, and especially not during the season when kids are small. A lie swirls around in men’s heads that women are natural nurturers, so it’s okay to let them do all of the nurturing themselves. Don’t believe it, young husband! Go to your kids when they cry. Listen to them when they are afraid. Know when they are uncomfortable; change their diapers; burp them. Give your wife breaks. My flesh struggled with the anticipation of our church’s annual women’s retreats, but my heart rejoiced to give my wife a weekend away.
If you want to help your wife and kids grow into Christlikeness, then model Christlikeness to them. Take on his mind and consider your wife and kids as more important than yourself (Philippians 2:4–5). In giving, you will receive; in dying, you will live and rejoice. So, serve your wife well when your children are little — and when they’re big.
My six children are all young adults now. When we get together, we tell old stories and laugh. When they were small, it all seemed overwhelming financially, physically, and spiritually. But one thing I can tell you, young husbands: God is always faithful, and Jesus is always enough. The little years don’t last forever. So, enjoy God’s good gifts in your wife and children. Trust Jesus and love your wife well, especially in a crowd of young kids.
Desiring God