Women have been allowed to become Navy SEALs since 2016, but in the ten years since, none has successfully completed the training pipeline. Why? Because God made women “the weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7). When Peter says this, he has no desire to denigrate women; in the very next phrase he emphasizes their equality (though not equivalence!) as fellow “heirs with you of the grace of life.” He is simply making an observation rooted in reality. This isn’t a command (Peter doesn’t say women should be the weaker vessel) but a fact — a fact that brings with it a command and a warning.
Grooms Who Imitate the Groom
Let’s look at the whole verse:
Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)
Notice the warning: “that your prayers may not be hindered.” If you fail to do what God commands, if you refuse to show honor to your wife by living with her in an understanding way, your prayers will be hindered. If you don’t exercise your authority in a way congruent with God’s design, your disobedience will interfere with your connection to God. Why?
When men who say they want to be led by Jesus resist his instructions regarding their own leadership, they withdraw from their Lord and thus hinder their ability to walk with him and hear his voice.
The church is the bride of Christ, and our husband, Jesus, is affectionate, attentive, caring, considerate, and self-sacrificial. He lives to make intercession for us. He’s the ultimate model for how we’re meant to leverage power imbalances. Power and authority are inherently good; we should aim not to abdicate or eliminate power but to use power properly.
The natural man uses power to serve himself; the man who desires to imitate Christ, however, will be a groom who’s like the Groom of grooms: He’ll rule his household with the tenderness and care that faithfully represents the King of kings. Just as the Lord Jesus loves to lead his people and work in response to their prayers, the godly husband leads and listens and works in view of the desires and dreams of his wife.
In Ephesians 5, the apostle Paul gives us two verbs that help make this task of husbandly leadership concrete: cherish and nourish.
The Silver Teapot
We recently hosted my daughter’s four-year-old birthday party. Can you guess the theme she picked? “Princess Unicorn Disco Tea Party.” We borrowed her grandma’s antique tea set for the occasion. In preparation, we told my daughter, “These cups and this teapot aren’t like the ordinary things you use; they’re less strong, more special, and they must be dealt with gently.” Her eyes went wide: a real tea set. She was careful, deliberate, and full of gratitude as she enjoyed these precious heirlooms. She cherished the opportunity. These weaker vessels were incredibly valuable.
She did need reminders; her initial care waned with her four-year-old attention span. When Paul instructs husbands to nourish and cherish their wives “as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:29), he is offering men a similar reminder to treat our wives as precious, as incredibly valuable.
Like my daughter, many husbands begin by treating their wives as precious but, as a result of sinful selfishness, eventually grow to feel entitled or ungrateful toward them. Men, remember: This bride of yours is not ultimately yours — she belongs to God! In the strictest sense, she is a princess — a daughter of the King of kings. She deserves care, attentiveness, gentleness, and gratitude in every season, not just when you’re newlyweds. Like fine china — weaker yet more valuable and beautiful because of that weakness — your wife deserves to be cherished. This is the essence of chivalry: strength that honors the real worth of the other.
A Husband’s Favorite Subject
I recently started Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Now my X and Instagram accounts are saturated with two topics: Jesus and Jiu-Jitsu. My new hobby has become a focus of attention, and the algorithm knows. I’m studying, learning, and imitating best practices to avoid getting choked out. I’m invested in learning how to anticipate and respond to different situations and positions.
This newfound focus helps us understand what Paul means by “nourish” and what Peter means by “live in an understanding way.” To nourish involves knowing and meeting needs. I’m terrible at making things grow. Flowers, vegetables, fruit trees — they all die under my care because I haven’t taken the time to learn how to anticipate and meet their needs in ways that cause them to flourish. I must not let it be so with my wife. She is a subject, not an object, and subjects require even more study, inquiry, and learning.
We know what it takes to get an A in a school subject; getting an A in understanding our wives requires the same kind of deliberate effort. Her “heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5). Be a student of your wife; make her your favorite subject. With the same fervor with which men engage new hobbies, devote yourself to learning her heart, her body, her soul, and her mind. Tune in to her hopes, her dreams, and her anxieties. Nourish her so that she flourishes.
Too many men are concerned with “understanding women” when they should be concerned with understanding one woman.
Never the Same Wife
Long ago, Heraclitus observed, “A man cannot step into the same river twice, because it is not the same river, and he is not the same man.” We ought to think of our marriages similarly. I am growing, maturing, and changing, and so is my wife. A husband cannot go on a date with the same wife twice.
The heart of our wives always offers more to explore and know. This task is an adventure that requires endurance, a long hike that never reaches the peak but promises rich visions of beauty at every turn. To understand, cherish, and nourish our wives is a rewarding endeavor not merely because we get to bask in the wonderful creation that is our spouse, but also because we get to image the Groom of grooms, the Lover of lovers, the Lord Jesus himself.
Desiring God