The college years have the potential to be mentally and emotionally taxing for students. Young adults often bear the pressure to perform academically at the same time as they’re encountering all the responsibilities and trials of their newfound adulthood. It’s no wonder a Gallup poll reports that one in five undergraduate students considers leaving his or her program due to mental health struggles or emotional stress.
While those mental and emotional struggles can take different forms, I’ve noticed a common undercurrent in the college students I work with: shame.
Students may or may not use the word “shame” to describe what they’re feeling. They often speak in terms of inadequacies, an intense fear of failure, and a vague dread that they’re not good enough.
They’ll point to a disappointing academic record, an end to a romantic relationship, or a lack of job prospects to corroborate their negative judgment of themselves. Some students don’t verbalize their shame; they simply disappear, staying in bed for days or missing church for months. Their withdrawal can be gradual or sudden.
For a long time, when I noticed students withdrawing or heard them voice a sense of shame, my first impulse was to reassure them there was nothing wrong with them. I’d direct them to their accomplishments in an attempt to counteract shame with honor. But pointing students to their work and successes doesn’t un-shame them. Instead, we can minister to students who struggle with shame by helping them see the full, true gospel of God’s love for sinners in the work of Christ.
Shame Distorts the Truth
After many conversations with students, I’ve realized shame is hard to erase because it distorts the truth in its accusations. At its core, shame says, “There’s something unfixably wrong with you.”
Pointing students to their work and sucesses doesn’t un-shame them.
It’s easy for students to accept this internal voice of judgment. Their limitations, disappointments, and failures mix with their sin to create a deep soul unease. They feel their complicity in a broken and sinful world, their shame attesting to their “unfixable wrongness”—their depravity.
But therein lies shame’s truth distortion. We can agree with students struggling with shame that apart from Christ, we are depraved, helplessly trapped in our sin. Our inability to “fix” the wrong within ourselves causes us to cry out along with the apostle Paul, “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” (Rom. 7:24).
But praise God, we who are in Christ have been decisively rescued from the hopelessness of sin and death into a life united with him who loves us and gave himself for us (Eph. 5:2). Students need to hear that while shame may point to the truth of our depravity, its loud pronouncement of our brokenness isn’t the whole story for believers. Those united to Christ can no longer be condemned for their sins and shortcomings (Rom. 8:1–2).
Shame Tries to Take God’s Place
Shame can be subtle, so we need to listen carefully as we talk with college students. It might sound like a young man who told me, “There’s nothing special about me. There’s nothing I can do that someone else can’t do better.”
This young person grew up thinking that people are only as valuable as the contributions they offer their families, schools, workplaces, or friends. He thought he had to be outstanding to have worth or for his efforts to be worthwhile. When he was less than outstanding, he wondered whether there was any point to his work or even his life. Shame was a tireless judge inside his head that crushed him with impossible standards.
Another student shared, “I still don’t really know what I’m doing, and I don’t want to waste my parents’ money, but I’m scared that I’ll be less than they want me to be. Or less than I want to be.”
This student felt indebted to her parents, who sacrificed their comfort to fund her education. It was a prominent part of their family narrative—their immigration story and why it was important for children to work hard and make it count. For this student, shame concluded she couldn’t rest while she owed a debt or possessed what she didn’t earn.
For both students, shame tried to take God’s place, decreeing what’s good and what’s bad, what has purpose and what’s meaningless, what’s lovable and what’s unlovable. Shame would chain students to the worldly standards it subjects them to and offer no help or relief. For our students who are in Christ, the question isn’t “What must I do to become worthy of Jesus saving me?” but “How can I live in light of the fact that I’m deeply loved by God, saved by Jesus, and part of his victorious kingdom?”
Shame Is Overcome in Christ
For our college students, the fight against shame is ultimately a fight to believe truth over lies. It’s a fight to feel what’s true.
Shame tries to take God’s place, decreeing what’s good and what’s bad, what has purpose and what’s meaningless, what’s lovable and what’s unlovable.
We help our students by reminding them we’ve all fallen short of God’s standard. It’s a standard higher than any held by a parent, professor, or prospective spouse. But because Jesus met God’s standard in our place, we stand on his record. Students need not prove their value or worth through any means—academic accomplishments or otherwise.
By coming alongside students relationally, we can show those who struggle with shame that they don’t need to hide when they feel unworthy. Instead, we can point them to the wonderful paradox of the Christian life: being utterly unworthy and undeserving, yet loved and valued, securely accepted by God in Jesus. The mystery of the gospel is the answer for shame. We don’t need to hide because we’re hidden with Christ.
The Gospel Coalition