As we age, it’s natural to look back at years past. Reflection can be helpful—an important way we grow in wisdom. But for parents, this process can be painful when there are hardships or negative outcomes in our children’s lives. We may live with feelings of failure as we replay our missteps and ways we floundered as parents. Regrets swirl around and around in our minds on an anxious loop, and we don’t know what to do with them.
Let me propose an off-ramp. It’s not a cure for all that’s broken but a fruitful starting point. As we reflect on regrets with our children, it’s helpful to consider whether the situation or outcome is primarily the result of our sin, our limitations, or our weakness. It’s not always clear-cut and sometimes these categories overlap, but with the Holy Spirit’s help, we can grow in understanding the nature of our responsibility. And this understanding helps us know how to move forward.
Personal Sin Leads to Regret
Because we’re fallen creatures, sin affects everything we do, including parenting. So as we engage a particular regret, we begin by considering whether we actively sinned against our child in that situation. For example, if you and your spouse fought a lot in front of your kids and verbally disparaged each other, your treatment of each other was sinful and to subject your kids to it was sinful.
It’s helpful to consider whether the situation is primarily the result of our sin, our limitations, or our weakness.
So what do you do? Confess your sin to the Lord and receive his forgiveness (1 John 1:9). Confess your sin to your spouse and get help for your marriage if you haven’t already. Seek help from God’s people: talk to your pastor, ask for prayer from your Bible study or small group (James 5:16).
And confess your sin to your child. You might say something like this:
When you were little, Dad and I fought a lot. I was wrong to speak to him harshly and to do it in front of you. I want you to know that we’re working on our marriage, and I want to ask for your forgiveness. If you’re willing, I’m open to hearing how our arguments affected you, now or in the future.
Then you listen or wait until they’re ready to speak with you about it. And you pray for God to heal any wounds that resulted from your sin.
Limitations Lead to Regret
As a parent, I encourage you to understand yourself as limited. This isn’t a moral category. It’s a way to describe our creatureliness; God designed us to be limited. He’s omniscient. We aren’t. He’s omnipresent. We aren’t. He lives outside of time. We live within time and have limited time.
Limitation is a helpful category for various circumstances, such as parents who work outside the home and must juggle both responsibilities; parents with multiple children, whose various needs must be balanced; and parents who care for aging parents and must meet the needs of multiple generations. Sometimes our faithful efforts to work and provide for our families and care for everyone’s needs means we can’t be everywhere and do everything we’d like to.
What do we do with regrets about limitations? We’re honest with the Lord about how we feel. We grieve the way our limitations meant we had to make hard choices and couldn’t give our kids all we would’ve liked to. We share our burden with trusted Christian friends in similar situations to receive their comfort and encouragement.
And we acknowledge our limitations to our children. You might say something like this:
Honey, when you were growing up, I worked a lot. And I know I missed time with you. I remember missing your soccer tournament when I was on a trip. I remember missing dinners with you on nights I had to work late. I want you to know it grieves me that I can’t get back that time with you. I’m open to talking about it and even hearing if you felt hurt by it.
Weakness Leads to Regret
Weakness isn’t sin, just as limitation isn’t sin. If I have a sharp memory and don’t need to keep a calendar, that’s a strength. If I struggle to remember dates and have to rely on a calendar constantly, that’s a weakness. Did a parent sin if she forgot to write down the date of the school play in her calendar and thus missed it? No. It wasn’t intentional. It was an oversight.
Forgetting is a creaturely weakness, and our weaknesses as parents can and do contribute to scenarios we regret. Admitting weakness isn’t a way to make excuses but rather to acknowledge our humanity.
Admitting weakness isn’t a way to make excuses but rather to acknowledge our humanity.
Similar to how we engage our limitations, you can grieve that your weakness resulted in a missed milestone. You wanted to be there to support your child, and you weren’t there. That is sad, and it’ll help your heart to take that sadness to the Lord. Grieve what you missed, and receive the ministry of his comfort. Talk about it, too, with God’s people. Other parents struggle similarly, and finding fellowship will help you know you’re not alone.
Also, acknowledge your weaknesses to your child. You might say something like this:
Sweetie, I’m so sorry I missed your play. You might have noticed that I struggle to remember dates in every area of my life. But to have missed an important date that involves you and all your hard work devastates me, and I’d like to hear how it made you feel. I know it’s not the same as being there, but your teacher recorded the play and I can’t wait to watch it.
Take the Off-Ramp
Rather than letting regrets anxiously swirl in our minds, we can take the off-ramp of reckoning honestly with what happened. Did you notice the pattern? It’s relational. Let your regrets move you toward the Lord, toward other Christians, and toward your kids.
Regrets are painful, but we can engage them with hope in Christ. For all the ways you stumble in parenting, God’s grace is sufficient. For all the ways you worry for your children, the Lord’s care for them surpasses your own. For all the ways you’re overwhelmed with the responsibility of parenting, may Christ himself be your peace.
The Gospel Coalition