The announcement “I’m trans” can lob a grenade into the family, throwing everyone into chaos. Transgender identification strains relationships with siblings and extended family members and drives a wedge between those who applaud it and those who don’t. Young siblings of trans-identified kids have specific and special needs that parents must recognize. In addition, separated parents may experience a harder time working together on the issue—if they even want to. In some sad cases, one parent affirms the trans identity to capture the child’s loyalty and oust the other parent from the relationship.
Parents dealing with any aspect of the gender ideology behemoth can feel like David standing in front of Goliath with nothing but a sling and a stone.
Whether you’ve just begun this journey or you’ve decided you need to take a different path than before, recognize that a goal of gender ideology is to separate the vulnerable from those who’ll love and protect them. People without strong family connections are easier to manipulate and exploit. If that sounds familiar, it’s because cults use the same psychological trick.
Being aware of this tactic will help you protect your home from becoming another casualty in the war on families. Whether you’re protecting your kids or you’re already in the fight, one of your best strategies for your whole family is to reinforce good relationships.
Partner with Your Spouse
Two parents who work together toward the well-being of their child is the best-case scenario in any family struggle. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. . . . Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” (Eccl. 4:9, 12, NIV). Do all you can to work in tandem with your child’s other parent. The God-ordained alliance between you is powerful.
Parents dealing with any aspect of the gender ideology behemoth can feel like David standing in front of Goliath.
Gender ideology has declared war on you, so strategize like you’re fighting on foreign soil. Shore up your strengths; mitigate your weaknesses. If you and your spouse can agree on this issue, it may be worth letting other marriage or family problems take a back seat for the moment. Remember you’re on the same team, and commit to having each other’s backs as you fight to save your child and your family.
Gather your village. Children should hear truth from all the adults in their lives, but today they may get contradictory messages at home, at school, and on social media. So pull into the battle extended family members, neighbors, and friends who’ll echo truth to your child.
Consider these practical suggestions:
Set aside a regular time with your spouse to talk about how you’re each processing the situation.
Set aside regular times when you talk about anything but the situation. Seek to enjoy each other for the good of your marriage.
Together, if possible, have an honest conversation with the pastor or elders at your church so they know what’s going on. Affirm that you want their help to keep speaking truth to your child.
Parent Your Other Children
While you may need to put some family issues on the back burner for a time, don’t neglect your other children. Young children find a sibling’s transgender identification destabilizing and frightening: What if I suddenly change sex? Did Michael turn into Michelle because of something I did? Is Michael really dead? Do Mom and Dad still love him? Will they always love me?
Check in with all your children often, and be available for hard conversations even when you’re not expecting them.
If siblings have been brainwashed by gender propaganda, they may take up arms on the other side of the battle. How you respond will depend on the child’s age, but keep in mind that your goals are to pull your trans-identified child out of the cult and to preserve your family’s unity as best you can. Younger siblings may need guidance, whereas parents may need to set boundaries around adult siblings’ interactions with the child and/or family.
Consider these practical suggestions:
Reevaluate your child’s school situation and what options you have. If possible, consider switching to a schooling option where the adults and kids in his or her life will affirm biblical truth about gender and sexuality.
Evaluate the daily environments of your other children as well. Are they learning in the same classrooms? Under the same influences? Visiting the same websites?
Don’t stop having fun as a family. Watch a movie together. Go to a ball game. Bake something. Read your Bible and pray together. Serve at church. Go camping or visit another city. Celebrate how much you have in common and the activities you like doing together.
Consider Other Relationships
Grandparent-grandchild relationships can be another casualty in gender ideology’s war on the family. Whether because the grandparents won’t affirm the delusion or because they won’t stop affirming it, many are losing contact with grandkids. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends may also be in the same situation.
This is difficult for Christian parents, who want to be wise about influences.
The gender cult has proudly and boldly adopted an us-versus-them dichotomy, wherein anyone who disagrees with their dogma is stigmatized as “toxic.” Gender activists glibly counsel their recruits to go “no contact” with anyone who won’t agree that a mental health condition should be irreversibly medicalized with drugs and surgeries. Again, the gender industry’s goal is to isolate vulnerable people from anyone who could protect them from making harmful choices with long-term consequences. Nefarious activists have turned “no contact” into the go-to response anytime anyone disagrees with others.
Christian parents recognize the richness and beauty of relationships—God made us to live in community. But we also know the wrong relationships can lead to danger (Prov. 13:20; 1 Cor. 15:33; 2 Cor. 6:14). Unlike those who advocate “no contact” for any and every perceived offense, we need to deliberately and prayerfully consider how to navigate relationships when we disagree with others. But, ultimately, we must be willing to sever (or put a pause on) harmful relationships if necessary while fostering healthy ones.
Consider these practical suggestions:
If possible, maintain contact with godly grandparents, aunts, and uncles. That’ll give your child a viable, attractive option for where to land if she ever wants to leave the LGBT+ cult. At dinner, share stories from when you were growing up. Talk about how much you appreciate your brother’s wisdom or your sister-in-law’s generosity. Start a group text with your mom, your sisters, and your daughters where you share funny memes, daily tidbits, and prayer requests.
If you do need to pull away for a time from friends or family who are affirming, fill your child’s time with other relationships. Send him overnight to a trusted relative’s house. Get more fully involved in his youth group. Invite all the in-town family over frequently.
Even as you carefully steward your child’s time and relationships, a policy of “no contact” for family members should be reserved for only the most intractably dangerous relationships.
Commit to the Long Game
Pulling a child out of the gender cult rarely—if ever—results in a quick fix. As desperate as parents may be to find the silver bullet that will free their child from the monster, families who have gotten their kids back report it took months or years.
Pulling a child out of the gender cult rarely—if ever—results in a quick fix.
Commit right now to holding the line on truth as long as it takes for your child to come to terms with reality.
Every person in your family and social circles has agency about what to believe, how to behave, and with whom to associate. But as faithful and loving parents, you’re doing the crucial but challenging work of extracting your child from the influence of a cult. You have the right and responsibility to decide what—and who—is safe for your child and family and which influences you need to mitigate.
Paul writes, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18), but parents cannot live at peace with people or ideologies who’ve declared war on them. Children and families are God’s good creations; at this moment in history, parents often feel they’re standing with no allies but each other and God in defending both.
But we know that gender ideology is a giant God will help us fell.
The Gospel Coalition