Isabella came to Christ after friends invited her to a church youth group. After high school, she wanted to do mission work, so she studied Russian and global studies at her university then went to seminary. Isabella felt called to do Bible translation work in Eastern Europe, and she prayed God would provide her a godly husband she could work alongside. The trouble was the pool of eligible men at her seminary who spoke Russian and wanted to do translation work was nonexistent.
Isabella’s mom said, “You need to lower your bar. How are you going to find someone like that?” Undeterred and trusting the Lord, Isabella pressed ahead. Soon she began attending a Christian singles Bible study. There she met a believer named David who, amazingly, wanted to do translation work in Eastern Europe. David and Isabella began dating, and within a year, the two married and began preparing for a move.
A story like this one may feel like a meet-cute from an evangelical rom-com, but it’s true (though I’ve changed the names and minor details). It also illustrates an important truth. When single Christians experience anxiety over finding a spouse, church leaders shouldn’t pressure them to pursue marriage at all costs. Instead, we must remind singles that God’s path to blessing is found by putting Christ and his mission first.
Why Don’t People Get Married Anymore?
The share of people ages 18 to 35 who are married fell from 59 percent in 1978 to 29 percent in 2018. As psychologist Jean Twenge observes in her important new book, younger generations now wait until later in life both to walk down the aisle and to have children. Many choose not to marry at all.
Several factors contribute to this change. “Adolescents and young adults in 2019—even before the pandemic—spent 25 minutes less a day socializing in person with others than those in 2012,” Twenge writes. That’s 3 hours per week, 13 hours per month, and 152 hours less per year. She believes changing technology and growing individualism have influenced many young people to turn inward.
But it’s not just that the kids are all on screens and going out less. Often, young men and women don’t inhabit the same spaces. Women have become much more likely to attend college, and religious attendance is on the decline for both sexes. So much for meeting a spouse at school or church. Plus, in a post-#MeToo world, a young woman doesn’t see a guy who awkwardly introduces himself in an elevator as a “hopeless romantic.” No, Twenge writes, “She’d probably think, ‘Creeper! Get away from me.’”
How Has the Church Responded?
In the wake of these sad trends, some Christian leaders have doubled down on promoting marriage, fidelity, family, and home as the ideal biblical portrait. They’ve encouraged young men and women to find spouses and fill their new homes with children.
There’s a godly instinct here. Many of God’s good purposes for human society are only accomplished when couples get married and have kids. But when church leaders write and teach on the importance of biblical marriage, we must remember the anxiety many single believers already feel about their relationship status. Many feel like life can’t begin until they’re married. How do we guard against letting our anxiety over bad cultural trends make this problem worse?
The answer is found in going back to the biblical narrative.
Marriage, Singleness, and the Overlap of the Ages
In Genesis 2:18, God states, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” God wanted our first parents to fulfill his creation mandate by marrying and multiplying. As we come to the New Testament, God’s mission expands beyond the implications of the creation mandate. Matthew 28:18–20 makes clear that God wants to fill the earth not only through new babies but also through conversions and new baptisms.
When church leaders write and teach on the importance of biblical marriage, we must remember the anxiety many single believers already feel about their relationship status.
Jesus lived out God’s disciple-making mission while single. So did Paul. The arc of redemptive history bends toward this trajectory. Consider that in the new heavens and earth, we will not marry (Matt. 22:30). Corporately, the church will be Christ’s Bride. Individually, we’ll be like the angels in a “single” eternity.
We live in a liminal time—the new covenant era of biblical history when the creation mandate for this earth and the new-earth-oriented Great Commission overlap. This overlap helps us understand exactly what Paul wanted to promote in the Corinthian congregation when he addressed that church’s practical questions about marriage and singleness.
Paul’s Answers to the Corinthians’ Practical Questions
When Jesus told his disciples some would be “eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom” (Matt. 19:12), he made clear some believers are called to singleness for the sake of Christian ministry. Apparently, the Corinthians were aware of this teaching, and it prompted three questions.
1. Should married couples abstain from sex for the sake of undistracted ministry?
No, Paul says. Married men and women still face this-earthly temptations, so if you choose to abstain from sex, let it be for a short time and for prayer (1 Cor. 7:1–5). Married believers can’t ignore God’s command to be fruitful and multiply simply because the end of the ages has dawned. To do so would be to think we have more of God’s future blessings now than we do. That’s what theologians call an overrealized eschatology.
2. Should singles refrain from marriage for the sake of undistracted ministry?
Perhaps. After all, our time is short (v. 29). Paul knows “the present form of this world is passing away” (v. 31), so God’s mission must be the priority. The apostle wants all believers to have a singular, missional focus, and he knows single people can serve God “free from anxieties” that married people endure (vv. 32–35). Paul goes so far as to say he wishes every Christian could be single and serve without distraction like he does (vv. 7, 38). So, denying the goodness of a mission-oriented gift of singleness or viewing marriage as morally superior to singleness in every situation is an underrealized eschatology.
3. Then is it wrong for single Christians to get married?
No. That’s an overrealized eschatology again. Paul knows singleness isn’t everyone’s lifelong call. “Each has his own gift from God,” he says. So marriage isn’t a sin, and the church shouldn’t prevent single believers from pursuing it (vv. 7, 9, 36). Elsewhere, Paul goes even further. In one place, he makes marriage a moral imperative, telling younger widows they should “marry, bear children, and manage their households” (1 Tim. 5:14). He’s concerned these younger women with too much time on their hands will be idle and use their singleness in socially and spiritually destructive ways. In their case, Paul’s not worried that getting married will be a distraction from ministry; he’s convinced it’ll promote their holiness.
Gospel Answer for Anxiety
What can we learn from how Paul answers these questions? It’s striking that Paul makes neither marriage nor singleness the answer in every situation. Instead, he frames human relationships in light of the bigger story of God’s mission. In every case, he first prioritizes devotion to Christ.
So how should church leaders encourage the anxious singles in their congregations?
1. Tell stories.
Katelyn Beaty has written about how single missionaries in church history serve as role models for single believers “over and against [our society’s] materialistic, me-first story of fulfillment.” Using the church newsletter and the pulpit to celebrate the stories of God’s good work through unmarried believers in history and today will help the singles among us to see their dignity and usefulness in God’s kingdom.
2. Help singles fight self-centered individualism by promoting everyday Great Commission work.
Offer opportunities for singles to use their varied gifts in service of the congregation and its surrounding community. Give them avenues to share their faith, make disciples, and extend God’s mercy to neighbors. A mission-and-discipleship focus can help a young man or woman resist wasting time on self-centered scrolling, entertainment, or gossip. As an added benefit, serving others can help a young person build the kind of character and charisma that godly members of the opposite sex find attractive.
3. Encourage Christian singles to see marriage as a missional partnership.
In our me-first society, it’s easy for young people to think the most important factor in a potential marriage partner is attractiveness. A guy wants a girl with a certain look. The girl wants a guy with “rizz,” one with whom she feels sexual chemistry. But a Christian marriage goes beyond fleeting attractiveness. As Tim Keller wrote, it’s “for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us.”
Paul makes neither marriage nor singleness the answer in every situation. In every case, he first prioritizes devotion to Christ.
That means when Christian parents and church leaders train young men and women on what to look for in a spouse, the most important factor is the character needed to build a robust friendship and to help one another along a lifelong journey as partners in mission.
Yes, discipling young singles will sometimes mean telling a young man, “Shut off the video games and ask the girl out!” But those encouragements should be part of a broader discipleship framework that helps young people see God’s purposes for both marriage and singleness through a missional and redemptive lens.
I’m confident that promoting God’s mission will bear fruit. If we lead with anxiety, we risk cultivating ministry environments for singles that feel like pressure-packed speed dating events. But if we keep the mission first, we’ll see mature, Jesus-loving believers who learn to live out their Christian callings. This will give dignity to those who remain single. And by God’s grace, a focus on God’s mission may even help some of them—like David and Isabella—to find one another.
The Gospel Coalition