Having been a pastor for many years, I feel deeply the difficulty leaders face in sustaining Eugene Peterson’s “long obedience in the same direction.” In the last few years, I’ve seen a surge of leaders who have fallen away, walked away, explained away, and even passed away by their own hand.
This was brought home for me by four recent high-profile departures of pastors within a few months of my age. Ever since, I’ve been hunting for clues on how to finish the course faithfully.
Though every story of pastoral burnout is unique, as I consider my experience, one significant question stands out as a metric of pastoral and spiritual health: Where am I seeking affirmation?
One question stands out as a metric of pastoral and spiritual health: Where am I seeking affirmation?
I’m convinced that leaders face a unique temptation to seek affirmation in ways that are ultimately unsatisfying. It varies from person to person, but on our bad days we overvalue achievement, admiration, applause, access, and power as forms of personal validation. That which others affirm in us easily shapes our sense of identity—often at the expense of our identity in Christ.
As Paul Tripp warns, “Either you will be getting your identity vertically, from who you are in Christ, or you will be shopping for it horizontally in the situations, experiences, and relationships of your daily life.”
Lessons from Absalom
Perhaps no example more directly depicts the dangers of external validation than the life of Absalom, King David’s son. If there were an ancient meme for the ambitious leader, Absalom would be a prime candidate.
Focusing on appearance came naturally to him: “In all Israel there was no one so much to be praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom” (2 Sam. 14:25). He had such an amazing head of hair that people would weigh the clippings after his annual haircut!
So when Absalom wanted to position himself as a new leader, his instinct was to focus on making an outward impression. The first thing he does is acquire “a chariot and horses, and fifty men to run before him” (2 Sam. 15:1). Though he was not a mighty warrior, he wanted to be seen as one.
Likewise, he “used to rise early and stand beside the way of the gate,” where he would tell those bringing disputes to King David, “See, your claims are good and right . . . Oh that I were judge in the land! Then every man with a dispute or cause might come to me, and I would give him justice” (2 Sam. 15:2–4). In reality, Absalom was serving neither the cause of justice nor the people of Israel—he was currying favor and future influence with potential followers.
And what was the result of all this posturing? We see a few verses later that “Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel” (2 Sam. 15:6). In the end, he got what he wanted—the affirmation of others.
Dangers of Affirmation
In his external focus, Absalom was more like a young Saul than a young David. This approach to leadership recalls God’s caution to Samuel: “The LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Absalom neither sought nor honored God, and thus he never found the affirmation he needed most.
Without a deep heart dependence on God, affirmation-seekers resort to wounded ways of gaining validation—often stealing it from the hearts of men.
Without a deep heart dependence on God, affirmation-seekers resort to wounded ways of gaining validation—often stealing it from the hearts of men.
And the frightening thing about the affirmation game is that it often works—at least in the short term. For his performance, Absalom was quickly rewarded with the throne, but his ability to gather an audience and army outpaced his character and wisdom to lead them. Like many who choose this path, his rapid rise was followed by a rapid fall. Angling for the affirmation of men is a risky gamble.
The perils of the affirmation game remain very real for leaders today—and only multiplied by our digital age. Our world offers continual clicks of affirmation in many forms: streams, downloads, likes, loves, friends, followers, and more. An affirmation junkie can find a hit anytime he wants. Want to build your church? Start a podcast. Want to write a book? Get yourself out there. Want to be in the conversation? Tweet away. The new era of immediacy preys on the old temptation to seek affirmation in unhealthy ways.
A Better Way
As I’ve wrestled with my heart and watched the struggle of others, I’m convinced that each of us desires affirmation. The decisive question for leadership and longevity is where we seek it.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warns us against doing good things to be seen and praised by people. He repeats this warning three times, suggesting that this is a particularly strong temptation for us. When we act spiritual in order to garner attention, Jesus says fickle and short-lived applause will be the only reward we receive.
The decisive question for leadership and longevity is where we seek affirmation.
Jesus does not shame or condemn the desire for affirmation, but rather redirects our aim to a greater source of identity. He tells us that our Father in heaven sees all we do, even when no one else notices our efforts. He knows our needs even before we speak them. We can look to him for true affirmation that far outlasts the applause of men and women (Matt. 6).
If we’re going to flourish on the way to the finish line, we must acknowledge the draw to man-centered affirmation and learn to trust the stronger affirmation that comes from God. We must seek him in the private spaces of prayer, worship, and the Word—where character and a heart for God are fostered in secret. We must moment by moment, day by day redirect our hearts and minds to trust the kindness of our Father above. And if we do, we’ll learn to say with the apostle Paul, “The Lord stood by me and strengthened me” (2 Tim. 4:17). This is the way of grace, and it’s the only way to find the affirmation we seek.
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