In the fall of 2003, I stepped onto the campus of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill with a plan—and it didn’t involve finding a husband. In fact, I was intent on not dating during my freshman year. My time and attention would be better spent on other things, I reasoned. I would focus on my studies, find Christian community, and engage in campus life.
So when I met a handsome and intriguing young man at an InterVarsity Christian Fellowship small group, I tried to brush off the thought that I really enjoyed talking with him about our many shared interests. A couple of months later when he invited me to a semiformal, I reluctantly agreed. It turned out to be a delightful evening. But afterward I lay in bed unable to sleep, so I started to pray. I told the Lord I would not marry Will Brisley.
The rest is history. We married exactly two weeks after graduation at the age of 22. But not before I was scolded, cautioned, and accused of using college to get my “Mrs. degree.”
Risky to Marry Young?
Getting married young is often considered a risky decision, especially for women. As a recent article published by the Wall Street Journal explains, young, educated women feel tension “between their career ambitions and pressure to settle down and start a family.” So, the article poses an interesting question: “What’s the best age to put a ring on it?”
Conventional wisdom tells women to focus on professional advancement in their 20s and wait to marry and start a family in their 30s. As the thinking goes, this plan allows women to “establish themselves as independent adults” and “maximize their odds of a lasting bond.”
However, the Wall Street Journal has found “an interesting exception to the idea that waiting until 30 is best.” According to data they studied from the U.S. government’s National Survey of Family Growth (NFSG),
There is a group of women for whom marriage before 30 is not risky: women who married directly, without ever cohabiting prior to marriage. In fact, women who married between 22 and 30, without first living together, had some of the lowest rates of divorce in the NSFG.
The article offers various theories to make sense of these findings, some of which point out valid benefits of not cohabitating. But as followers of Christ, we know that the ultimate explanation is simple: marriage works best when we follow God’s design and obey his commands. So, it’s not hard for us to understand why not cohabitating is associated with lower divorce rates.
But what about the age factor? There aren’t specific commands in Scripture that prescribe an ideal age for marriage. So how can we answer the article’s question about “the best age to put a ring on it” from a biblical perspective?
Perhaps Scripture doesn’t give a definitive answer because there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage. For the believer, the best age to marry might be 22 or 62 or not at all—it depends on God’s purposes and plans for each person. We’re not called to follow a timeline; we’re called to follow our Lord.
We’re not called to follow a timeline; we’re called to follow our Lord.
Still, women like myself who feel led to marry young are often confronted with objections and fears—some from our own hearts and minds, and some from well-meaning family and friends. We know God is sovereign and his plans for us are good, but the concerns of conventional wisdom still call out to us: Don’t you want to have time to pursue your own career and dreams? Shouldn’t you become financially independent first? Do you really know yourself well enough at this age to evaluate whom you want to spend the rest of your life with?
These objections may be wise for some women to heed. As we consider marriage, we should carefully weigh godly counsel from parents, pastors, and mentors. But, as I found, if the Lord leads us to marry young, we can trust him to work in and through our marriage for our good and his glory.
Finding My Way
As women, we may fear that getting married in our 20s will limit our ability to pursue a career. It seems that supporting our husband’s career development will mean sacrificing our own. But as I discovered, that’s not necessarily true.
I entered college with my sights set on law school (despite my dad’s wise encouragement to major in journalism). But when it became clear that my then-boyfriend and I were headed toward marriage, I reevaluated my post-graduation plans.
While marriage initially disrupted my career plans, it was God’s means of directing me to the work he was preparing me to do.
Because my husband’s job would move us twice in our first year of marriage, I took some time to work part-time, consider my interests and gifting, and seek the Lord’s guidance. That process led me to an entirely different field as a high school English teacher. I loved teaching English, and it prepared me for the work I do today—work that I’m confident is more fulfilling and a better use of my gifts than a career in law would have been.
While marriage initially disrupted my career plans, it was God’s means of directing me to the work he was preparing me to do.
Finding Myself
We hear a lot in our culture about the importance of finding ourselves and knowing who we truly are, and it’s often framed as an individual pursuit. So even though we believe God has designed marriage for the mutual flourishing of both husband and wife, we may wonder if marrying young means missing out on the chance to establish our own identity.
But sanctification, not self-exploration, is the believer’s process of finding herself. And sanctification can happen whether we’re single or married, young or old. As our sin is stripped away and the image of God is restored in us, we begin to understand our true identity in Christ and our part in his body.
Sanctification is the believer’s process of finding herself. And sanctification can happen whether we’re single or married, young or old.
Looking back on myself at 22, I’m not sure I was considering questions about who I was and how God had designed me. I thought I had it all figured out. But again, God was gracious to shepherd me toward a path I wasn’t looking for and use it to accomplish his purposes for me.
There were some hard seasons in the early years of our marriage. A lot of times it felt more like losing myself than finding myself as the Lord sanded down rough edges and shaped me more into his image. But I know much more today about who I am than I did 15 years ago. And more importantly, I know the Lord much more deeply.
When the Time Is Right
When I talk to young women who are contemplating marriage, I tell them there are many factors to consider. But age alone need not be the deciding factor. It’s not inherently risky to marry young.
Research studies pointing to good outcomes for women who marry in their 20s are encouraging. But we have a greater hope than statistics. The One who created and formed us, who knows us and the plans he has for us, also knows when the time is right for us to marry.
God was gracious to bring me a husband I wasn’t looking for and set me on a path I didn’t expect. Walking the aisle as a 22-year-old is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
The Gospel Coalition