Our home is at the end of a cul-de-sac, and because our neighborhood was built on an old Iowa cornfield, it backs up to the only thin band of woods that runs along one side of the development. The neighboring children are naturally drawn to the trees, which means there might be anywhere from five to 20 kids playing in our yard at any given time. Racing around on scooters or roller blades, stomping up from the creek with muddy boots, or walking back from our tree fort shouting about the bugs they caught in a jar—it’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a neighborhood.
But sometimes, the sight of all the happy kids running around pricks my heart in pain. Our youngest daughter has a rare genetic condition causing global developmental delays. This means she can’t visit the woods without my help, she can’t keep pace with the scooters in the driveway, and she can’t easily communicate about the treasures she’s found.
Sometimes my kids ask why their sister seems different from the other children in our life. I’ll never forget the time my oldest asked pointedly, “Why did God make her like that?” It struck me like a gust of wind on a cold Iowa day, knowing this was the question I was looking to answer as well.
Sometimes my kids ask why their sister seems different from the other children. This is the question I’m looking to answer as well.
Four Truths
The Bible isn’t silent on this topic. Here are four theological truths I’ve shared with my children to help them understand God’s design in allowing one of their siblings to have special needs.
1. God made all of us in his image.
Genesis 1:26 tells us that when God created people, he said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” The words “image” and “likeness” speak of every person’s resemblance to God, giving all of us equal dignity and value. This means, no matter our abilities, we all carry the stamp of God on us. We’re not duplicates of one another, but because we’re a family, there is a sameness (Gal. 3:28–29). Help your children see that just as every person in the family has different abilities and gifts, each is equally valuable and loved.
2. The fall affects everyone.
It’s not hard to help your child see that the world is broken. A toy breaks when it drops to the floor, a sibling shoves to get a better view, the baby birds fall from the nest. Adam’s sin has affected everything—nothing is untouched.
Help your children see that when it comes to special needs, more often than not it’s simply a result of living in a fallen world (John 9:1–3). Even in cases when disability or delays may be the result of abuse or neglect, we can teach our children to focus on having compassion for others rather than diagnosing who was at fault. Whether we know the reason or not, these things are a part of life east of Eden and they will be with us until we go home to glory.
3. God is sovereign over how each of us was formed.
When we explain that having special needs is a part of a fallen world, it may feel like disabilities were passed out at random. But we know from Psalm 139 that God made every human intentionally and by his design (“For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”).
Help your children see that just as God intentionally chose their hair color, the size of their feet, and what activities they would excel at, he also formed every limp, every irregular organ, every stutter, and every eye that only sees darkness. “The Lord said to Moses, ‘Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?” (Exodus 4:11).
Every chromosome, every gene, every atom—God commands at his will. He makes no mistakes.
Every chromosome, every gene, every atom—God commands at his will. He makes no mistakes.
4. God is still good.
Disability is costly—emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Young children in particular don’t always have the maturity to filter their experiences. As parents, we can help our children see that God has a perfect purpose in creating their family as he did.
When the disciples had questions about a man born blind, Jesus told them, “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:3). Or in Lazarus’s sickness, Jesus told his disciples, “It is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” (John 11:4). In both cases Jesus points out that God is glorified through the disability.
Sometimes, particularly for children, this can be hard to see. In our family, we talk about both the joys and difficulties of having a sibling with special needs. There are times when they’ll need to slow down to care for their sister, interpret her vocalizations for friends, or go home early from a fun event so she can rest. As they lay down their lives for their sibling, God uses their sacrifice to sanctify and teach them about his love and their obedience.
We also talk about all the wonderful ways their sister has blessed our family. We talk about how inspiring it is to watch her accomplish new things, her care for them when they’re hurt, and—perhaps my favorite—how joyfully she sings worship songs no matter where we are. She gives us a front-row seat to aspects of God we wouldn’t have without her. Help your children see God’s goodness to them and their sibling with special needs.
Living with Tension
For siblings and parents, having special needs is both joy and sorrow, sadness and celebration. As William Cowper wrote, “The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower.” It’s a tension we must learn to live with. We don’t always know God’s exact purposes for his ways, but we can trust that our families can “count it all joy” and will “lack nothing” as we walk this journey (James 1:2–3).
As parents, we can emphasize the kindness of God, knowing “that all things work together for the good of those who love God” (Romans 8:28). This is God’s promise that gives hope to every member in the family who follows Christ.
So the next time our children ask, “Why is she like that?” We can answer genuinely, “I don’t know why God chose this but I trust God with it. God is good to us and it’s part of his purpose for our family. ”
The Gospel Coalition