Ana Samuel is a Ph.D. who graduated from Princeton and Notre Dame, a political philosopher, author, the wife of an architect. She and her husband are raising their six kids.
She was struck by a Pew survey that highlighted that parents are far more interested in their kids getting a college degree – 41% said its “extremely important” – while only 21% said they hold the same importance about them getting married and 20% about them having children. Remarkably, 46% of parents said it was “not at all” important for their kids to marry or have their own kids. In contrast, 88% of parents said it was “extremely or very important” for their children to “be financially independent” and “have careers they enjoy.”
Ana wants her family to be a hopeful outlier and is very intentional in preparing her children for marriage and becoming parents. She wrote about this on the Institute for Family Studies blog, explaining her and her husband’s plans to help their six kids realize that wedlock and having kids can be two of the most important and rewarding life-forming goals one can have.
She says, “as a member of the minority, I would like to shed some light on why and how some of us are trying hard to maximize the chances that our children will have great marriages — and grandchildren, too.”
Walk the Walk
Her first point is “Walking the Walk.” Her family has done this by having plenty of kids, but also having peer friendships that do the same, modeling this as normal to their children. She explains,
All the families in my network have prioritized being “pro-kid,” meaning, open to having several children, and setting up their home and family life in ways that are kid-friendly. The mothers were open to having multiple children, and the fathers to being strong breadwinners. We do not have museum houses, but well worn, beautiful spaces where our children can play, study, socialize, and help with the chores.
She explains this community building and life-training is rubbing off on all their kids and they pray each of them will “one day they pay it forward and create kid-friendly homes.”
Talk the Talk
Second, is “Talking the Talk” demonstrated in simply talking to her kids a lot about dating and marriage. Both mom and dad talk about old boyfriends and girlfriends and why those would not have been good marriage choices. They talk about other married couples they greatly admire and why, and how the positive attributes we see in those homes can be replicated by us. She also makes clear,
We emphasize that you don’t have to be married to live a good life, but that we only find real maturity, meaning, and joy when give our lives in the service of others, especially the most vulnerable. For most people, the best path to that goal is marriage. “A good marriage is a gift to society,” we tell our children, “Your project for the world.”
Provide a Strategic Plan
Her third point is giving our children “a strategic plan” toward marriage. She states, “Much the same way modern parents have a game plan for their kids’ sports trajectories in high school, hoping they might have the privilege of a great college scholarship or even professional career, we have a roadmap for dating” that begins in by creating healthy habits for opposite-sex relationships in middle school and extend up into the college years. She adds,
This way, each kid is incrementally prepared to interact with the opposite sex, be civil, and learn through trial and error how to be a good guest, respectful dance partner, date, and eventually, boyfriend or girlfriend. All the while, our kids are being coached behind the scenes by us, which also requires us to respect their freedom to date whom they believe is best.
They have laid this out in a helpful chart, which mom and dad can customize for each child depending on their unique personalities, talents, desires and weaknesses.
The Importance of Financial Literacy
Fourth and final is “Financial Literacy” so that our kids find meaningful work and earn a good living in order to finance their family dreams. All this is framed, not as the desire to “get ahead” and build a life with nice things, but “as a means to the end of caring for others and sharing one’s riches, first in one’s own family, and then outward, toward those in need.”
Ana says this starts in middle and high school when their children are obligated to get small jobs, earn money, learn how to save and manage it and use it strategically to realize their goals and share with others. She gets specific,
Once our 18-year-olds begin to consider their college options, we often explain the reality of student loans, how savings and investments work, and what kind of income they might need to start a family someday. This helps our young adults get grounded in financial realty and into a marriage-mindset as they make career choices down the line.
Ana and her husband realize not all their kids will necessarily choose to become a spouse and parent, stating, “we respect and celebrate their freedom to find other ways to live in service and love for others.”
But neither are the Samuels relativists about such life choices.
They are strongly pro-marriage and pro-kids, asserting, “there’s no denying that a peaceful marriage and a houseful of raucous, fascinating, (and at times frustrating) kids are an amazing path to happiness, and we want our kids to have a good shot at achieving this part of the American dream.”
This parenting approach is both very counter-cultural and a strong path toward maturity, happiness as well as spiritual and emotional enrichment, not only for their own family, but the larger community. Marriage and family are the essential building blocks of every thriving society.
Parents must be deliberate in preparing their children for this vital vocation.
Image from Shutterstock.
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