As we were finishing a counseling session, Jill looked at me with concern, her eyebrows furrowed. “You got distracted,” she bluntly stated.
Unfortunately, Jill was right. Just outside my workspace, several pastors gathered in the church office lobby, talking and laughing. I’d gotten sidetracked by the commotion. About 70 percent of me was attending to Jill, but 30 percent of my headspace had shifted to the lobby: What are they doing? What’s so funny?
We live in a distractible culture. Between YouTube shorts and checking our email inboxes every hour, our minds wander quickly. Staying focused is a skill few truly master. But it’s essential if we’re going to care well for God’s people.
Whether formally or informally, counseling another soul is a distinct privilege. Yet, too often, mistakes plague our conversations. Fortunately, getting distracted is one of several common mistakes that are correctable. After Jill’s jarring comment, I closed the window blinds (simple fix), talked to the staff about keeping the commotion down (another simple fix), recommitted to staying focused (possible, though it would be work), and prayed the Lord would renew my love for his sheep.
What counseling mistakes are you prone to make? Take a quick check.
Mistake 1: Fear of Man
Charlotte shares about her struggles with her job. She dislikes her boss, and she’s weary of her work. Unfortunately, she often responds to her difficulties with sinful choices. This time, she lied to her boss to get out of an assignment.
You sympathize with her frustrations but feel convinced you’ve got to speak up about her lying. Charlotte’s a Christian, and Scripture makes clear that because God never lies, Christ’s followers shouldn’t either (Colossians 3:9–10; Titus 1:2).
Yet you hesitate. You know Charlotte will get angry, and your fears kick in. Why bother bringing it up? Lying is between her and God. Right now, she needs a friend. But you know if you don’t say something, Charlotte will eventually lie to her boss again. What should you do?
Repent of your fear that causes you to avoid a difficult word. Confess your worry about speaking up to the Lord (Psalm 34:4).
If you struggle with people-pleasing, then saying a difficult word will feel painful. Reframe your situation by putting the fear of God at the center of your thinking (Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4–5). If we fear God more than Charlotte, we won’t let Charlotte’s potential anger get in the way.
My friend Jonathan Leeman calls the helper in this situation a “sin-absorber.” A true friend willingly absorbs the cost of another person’s sin for the sake of honoring Christ. Would you be willing to absorb Charlotte’s anger if it helps her address her lie?
Mistake 2: Assumed Insight
Angela and John have been married for 31 years. Sometimes John gets frustrated with Angela because she assumes what he’s thinking. “I know I’m not supposed to assume,” Angela would think, “but we’ve been together for a long time.” The more familiar you are with someone, the more you’re likely to get in trouble. Familiarity breeds assumptions. Think about your last conflict. How many assumptions did you make? Probably a few.
Assumptions can create problems. Sometimes our assumptions are true, but often they’re not.
If you’re prone to making assumptions, here’s how to stay away from trouble: Don’t overestimate your ability to size up a situation. Pride makes you think, “I know what’s going on.” Humility tells you, “Ask God for wisdom.” The humble recognize they’re not as smart as they think and must depend on the Lord for insight (James 1:5).
After you’ve asked the Lord for help, test your assumptions. Don’t tolerate any of them. Check the validity of your assumptions by asking thoughtful, careful, and loving questions. Genuine curiosity will lead you to ask rather than assume. At the encouragement of a friend, Angela asked more questions during marital conflict, and that built more understanding between her and John. The apostle Paul tells us that abounding love is marked by “knowledge and all discernment” (Philippians 1:9).
Mistake 3: A Misplaced Harsh Tone
Tony and Patricia are talking through a difficult topic, and Tony starts getting agitated. You can hear his tone getting louder. His anger boils below the surface, and it’s showing itself in his frustrated tone.
When we communicate, how we say things matters, not just what we say. Did you know that Scripture speaks to our tone? “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). And “a gentle tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). God commends a soft and gentle word rather than a harsh or belittling tone. Patricia’s gentle tone and words helped to defuse Tony’s anger.
Granted, there are times for a serious, stern demeanor, as when you’re warning a believer who lives in sexual sin or a Christian husband who abandons his marriage. Soft words are not a good fit for such moments (Proverbs 25:11). But most of life doesn’t require a stern tone. Usually, a gentle and softer approach will be more effective in getting your message across.
Mistake 4: Hasty Speech
If we look at our typical daily conversations, it’s probably embarrassing to admit how often we speak up before we’ve truly listened. Sometimes, we half listen — like in a conflict when we’re thinking of a response even before the other person’s done speaking. Or, in our impatience, we just cut our friend off and jump in while he or she is in the middle of a sentence. Solomon says fools don’t listen or take any pleasure in understanding but only in expressing their opinion (Proverbs 18:2, 13). A fool will act impulsively and be hasty with his words (Proverbs 29:20).
What can we do? We can grow in discipline to shut our mouths and listen more, but fleshly restraint only lasts so long before we’re back to our old habits.
The Spirit can grow our patience to wait and not speak. Do you ever ask the Lord to grow your humility? Christlike humility increases your willingness to put others’ interests ahead of your own (Philippians 2:3–4). It reorients your heart away from what you think is so important to say, and it grows in you a deeper concern for others. It changes your outlook on conversations.
Mistake 5: Poor Personal Boundaries
My friend Carol was discipling a troubled young lady named Karen. Carol left for a marriage retreat with her husband, Ron, but Karen texted her throughout the retreat. After Karen’s seventh text, Ron advised Carol, “Ignore the texts, turn off the phone, and don’t look at it again until our retreat is done.” But after the tenth text, Carol still responded.
Often, weaker believers have a hard time respecting boundaries. And because Christians (and counselors especially) have merciful dispositions and bleeding hearts, we can establish poor boundaries. Technology makes things worse: We’re accessible anywhere in the world at any time.
If you’re a professional counselor, it’s likely difficult to contain your counseling to work hours. Troubled people will reach out after you’ve left the office. Even if you don’t counsel professionally, you may find others taking advantage of your graciousness. But it’s not just their fault, is it? Far too many of us are like Carol: We don’t maintain healthy boundaries. Our bleeding hearts win out over the discipline of ignoring our phones and focusing on our families. Do you check your phone or do ministry work when your kids or spouse need your attention?
Ask your spouse and a mentor for their input on a healthy boundary between your counseling and your family life. Carefully select a boundary (like “No ministry calls after 6:00pm unless it’s a true emergency”). Then tell a friend or two about your boundary and ask them to hold you accountable. If we try to do this on our own, we often fail. Pray that the Spirit might work in you. We need help to maintain healthy boundaries.
God’s Grace for Our Mistakes
As people fallen in sin, we will make mistakes, even in our efforts to help others. But by God’s grace and through the Spirit’s daily work, we’re conformed more and more into the image of Jesus, reflecting a more loving, hopeful, kind, patient, and thoughtful disposition to our friends and fellow church members (Romans 8:29). Jesus is the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6). Our goal is to look more like him.
Wise counselors — both formal and informal — are a gift to God’s church. We want to be good stewards of this privilege of counseling souls. May our good Lord help us to make fewer mistakes, trust in Christ, and honor him in everything we do.
Desiring God