On March 27, 1525, Wolfgang Reissenbusch served as a preceptor in the monastery of St. Anthony. This meant Mr. Reissenbusch had vowed to live a single, celibate life — that is, until the Reformation provided him a new perspective, a different justification (to be married). What should he do? Write to the fiery bachelor Martin Luther, of course.
Luther wrote back,
It is said that it takes a bold man to venture to take a wife. What you need above all else, then, is to be encouraged, admonished, urged, incited, and made bold. Why should you delay, my dear and reverend sir, and continue to weigh the matter in your mind? It must, should, and will happen in any case. Stop thinking about it and go to it right merrily. Your body demands it. God wills it and drives you to it. (Luther: Letters of Spiritual Counsel, 274)
One month later, on April 26, Reissenbusch married Anna Herzog, daughter of a poor tailor’s widow. Less than two months after that, on June 13, Martin Luther took his own advice and married Katharina von Bora. The advice profited both Reissenbusch and Luther himself, and it might just profit indecisive bachelors today. I pray it might be the little jolt to get some of you should-be-marrieds off the fence for good.
Get Merrily to It
Single men, pews fill with godly women exiting their twenties, passing through their thirties, and entering their forties unmarried. More than a few are gems — Abigails and Ruths and Priscillas and Marys. They would love to manage a household, have as many children as the Lord allows, join a man of God on his mission, but alas, they cannot pursue themselves. Some would be married but for the immaturity, fear, or selfishness of some of the men.
Brothers, I am not interested in chopping you down. The world has taken a twisted joy in that for some time now. But let’s be honest: What are some of you doing? Stalling, delaying, trifling, prolonging, joysticking, late-nighting, fast-fooding, boying.
Perpetual groomsmen, never the groom. Ships in the dock — maybe overthinking, maybe lazy, maybe sinful. The excuses are many — only some of them valid. For some, adulthood seems like an undesirable destination. So you settle, sit yourself on the bench, keep yourself in the shallow end, bowl with the bumpers up. I want better for you.
Luther’s advice is to be bold, stop just thinking about it, know God’s will for you, and get merrily to it.
Be Bold
It is said that it takes a bold man to venture to take a wife. What you need above all else, then, is to be encouraged, admonished, urged, incited, and made bold.
I had spent mere hours in person with my (now) wife at a conference before I spent the little money I had on a ticket to a nation I couldn’t point to on a map. I sat in a tiny seat for a thirteen-hour plane ride to the Middle East to meet her on the mission field with her people.
“Bro, you’re about to fly across the world to meet a girl you just met to be interrogated by her and her whole community?” A friend was stunned by the story. This was not like me, until it was.
What gave me confidence?
She. I knew her well enough to know that if I were to marry, it would be to a woman like her. This Latina New Englander blew gospel-fire. She was on mission. I saw women she discipled glowing in her presence. Any man who dares pursue a woman like that better be about the Lord and his business. I wasn’t sure if I was that man, but I was willing to sit on a plane to find out.
Community. My guys couldn’t agree on much. But miraculously, on this they all agreed: I should get to know this woman. Initially I tried to squirm out of it — the whole thing was impractical, a waste of time. But they all agreed with a strange confidence that I should let the Lord close the door.
Trusting God’s word. I didn’t have to wonder: God told me in his word that a wife who fears him is a crown, a helper, a gift, a lily, a glory, a woman worthy of praise. I didn’t need to squint at the stars to discern the Almighty’s mind. He taught me what to look for. If he had such a wife for me, I would be the elect of the elect.
Men, it takes a boldness in man to venture to take a wife. You will need a good woman to pursue, good men surrounding you, and God’s Scriptures to embolden, admonish, incite, and steel your nerve to leave father and mother and be joined to a wife.
God Wills It, Body Wants It
Marriage is God’s clear next destination for most single men to travel toward. Paul makes marriage and fatherhood such a given for men that he assumes most elders (those prime examples of godly masculinity in the church) will have both.
True, a few will have the gift of 1 Corinthians 7, be what Jesus calls “eunuchs . . . for the sake of the kingdom” (Matthew 19:12), but this is comparatively rare. Thus, Luther writes to Reissenbusch, defining marriage as the default, “Now, chastity is not in our power, as little as are God’s other wonders and graces. But we are all made for marriage, as our bodies show and as the Scriptures state in Genesis 2: ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him’” (Luther: Letters of Spiritual Counsel, 273).
Nature teaches this lesson well enough: our male bodies desire marriage. Luther knew what it was to be “clothed in hot youth,” as Augustine calls it. “Therefore,” Luther continues, “whoever will live alone undertakes an impossible task and takes it upon himself to run counter to God’s Word and the nature that God has given and preserves in him. The outcome is in keeping with the attempt; such persons revel in whoredom and all sorts of uncleanness of the flesh until they are drowned in their own vices and driven to despair” (273).
Countless men, unserious about marriage, drown in pornography and are driven to despair as a result. Yet these same men fail to make out the vital connection between purity and proposals. Now marriage is not the one wooden stake to stab to the heart of vampire lust, but marriage is undoubtedly a holy weapon for those burning with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9).
Even those who have victory connect the dots lefthanded. I’ve counseled, You have cut off avenues to websites — good. You have accountability and are renewing your mind in God’s word — wonderful. Fasting? Beautiful. Killing the dragon to “see God”? Praise his name. But let me also ask, what steps have you taken toward marriage?
Nine times out of ten, those serious about fighting lust but lax about pursuing marriage are not as serious about their lust as they need to be. I am perplexed by so many who envision winning the war against their desires with an endless fast. They sit and stare at the fruit on the tree of which God has said, “In the day that you eat of it you shall surely die,” and tell themselves, no, no, no! Good! Yet they are born to eat fruit. Their incessant desire shouts that they do not have the gift of celibacy. And yet they stand a few glorious risks away from that blessed covenant that changes no, no, no to yes, yes, yes!
Luther again:
Let us not try to fly higher and be better than Abraham, David, Isaiah, Peter . . . and all the patriarchs, prophets, and apostles, as well as many holy martyrs and bishops, all of whom knew that they were created by God as men, were not ashamed to be and be thought men, conducted themselves accordingly, and did not remain alone. Whoever is ashamed of marriage is also ashamed of being a man or being thought a man, or else he thinks that he can make himself better than God made him. (275)
Men, don’t try to become better than God made you. The war is hard enough; don’t fight battles one-handed. Yes to porn-free; no to wife-free.
Get the Girl
Brothers, in the matter of pursuing a wife, some of you are “always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 3:7). You’ve heard exhortations like this before, but nothing has changed. Not anymore. Take the next step. For some, that means getting even more serious about holiness to get your lust slain. For others, that means getting a job. For others, that means praying and fasting for a wife. For others, it means stop just thinking about it and actually go talk to the girl at church. For still others, it means finally asking the girl-from-church’s dad for his blessing to marry his daughter.
Brothers, awake to the wild glory of marriage. Awake to the glory of a wife. Stop just thinking about it, and go to it right merrily.
Desiring God